Never Forget

They are gone...But Not Forgotten.
The Hero's We Lost

The Beat Goes On

oh yeah, its only just begun. he's definetly home & cheese & rice is he ever in a mood!!! since we walked out of the hospital everything has had to be his way. right now i'm kinda letting him get away with it because i don't want to stress test him just yet. he's always been really controlling but i can hold my own with him. after all, i've ran my own life for enough years alone that i don't need lessons. i drive the way i want, i take the route i want & i use my mouth the way i want. my sperm donor hasn't even tried to tell me what to do for 30+ years. what makes men think they're our boss? where is it written in gold that they know better than a woman? no place that i can think of (that counts with me). i thought i taught him that a long time ago. looks like my job has just started all over again. man, that was a tough job. i hate to go through it again. what was i thinking? now that i think about it, is that job ever really over? there's always been some man that needs a good lesson whether its a guy on the street being lewd or a guy i have to work with being bossy. mostly, i can pull it off without them even knowing what i'm up to but sometimes i've just had to put it out there on the table to make them realize that this just isn't working for me. vocabulary is a great weapon but i like to keep it simple. what they don't know won't hurt them.
guys you know i'm kidding here, right? i mean sweet, precious, loving, kind little ole lindy could never be that domineering & cunning? could she? what the fuck ever!
its not just with me either.
sonny dropped the kids off about 7 last night & he's been in a tizzie since. its like everything they say & do has to be corrected or controlled. they are just kids. they are gonna act out. try to convince him to just let them be kids & keep his nose out of it is like pulling teeth. every suggestion i make turns into an attitude.
if he was a kid i'd turn the bully loose on him to knock that attitude out of him. hell, i'd be the bully just so i could knock the shit out of him.
our 'time out' corner is getting the use of a lifetime.
jammer is pushing his luck. he's done everything he can to stand against him. is it just a man thing or does hubby drop to some level of child when jammer is around? i'm leaning towards a little of both. they've always butted heads & i do mean literally! jammer has slammed him pretty hard. one time to the point that he swore jammer broke his nose.
i think i'm rambling. i think i'm losing my mind.
if ixxie doesn't stay off the floor i'm gonna hurt her. she needs therapy. everytime i look at her she's on the floor getting someone to climb on top of her. i didn't need that much sex until i was like 19. she's 6. man, i'm glad i'm not her mother. she'll be pregnant by 12. i just looked into the play room & she's got amandas foot between her legs. please don't ask me to describe what she was asking her to do with it. can i braid her hair tighter? maybe that will put a kink in her 'sex' section of her brain. can you lobotimize the sex out of a brain? doctor, what are you doing with that ice pick? nothing my dear, just lay back & it'll all be over in a minute.
aaaahhhhhhhh.
anyway, the pills are working, i guess. he doesn't feel anything different. as mean as he's been there's still no head spins or spitting pea soup. he hasn't mentioned drinking, so far, since we left the hospital. the last time we talked about it was when he was getting ready to be released from the hospital. he said he'd be able to drink beer but would just have to stay away from the vodka. i told him that wouldn't work for me. (i had just mentioned my plans to divorce him the wednesday before all this started.) in my little tantrum i told him that if he was gonna start even drinking beer again i was gonna go ahead with my divorce plans. so far, he's stuck to it & not even looked at a beer. we stopped by a friends house today that was having a yard sale. the guy offered him a beer & he turned it down. i know what that took. it made me proud of him. maybe this will work afterall.
well, what am i gonna have to bitch about if not him? oh, don't worry, it'll still be him just not the drinking part of him. there's still lots left that i haven't posted, you'll see.
the aliens must be at it. papaw is screaming again. guess i better go make the peace.
i am the leader that everyone asks to be taken to, don't you know.
later.

Till The Fat Lady Sings

i've spent most of the last few days going from work to the hospital then straight to bed. although sleep has alluded me. that hasn't been on my brains agenda. it still feels good to just lay down & rest.
sorry, i haven't kept you all in on the latest. dt's & the duration of withdrawal depends on each person. its all about how long they've been on whatever they are addicted to. the hospital stay is like ML said in comments, just to get them through the first step. he has to make up his mind to continue the treatment until he has worked the alcohol completely out of his system. hubbys dt's lasted until wednesday. he doesn't remember any of it cos of the medication but i do. when they started weening him off the meds his blood pressure dropped way down & his heart rate hit the roof. the normal heart rate is somewhere between 60-100 beats & his was at 197. they kept him an extra day because of that.
they released him today. we sat at the hospital for an hour after they told him he was being released & we got his prescriptions filled on the way home. they have him on a seizure med, blood pressure & heart med. plus a vitamin.
they never did find what caused the seizure in the first place. they also couldn't explain why his heart rate & blood pressure went crazy but you can bet they charged the shit out of our insurance company & will continue doing so. now, individual doctors he saw in the hospital have a new patient that they want to see every week for the rest of his life. now mind you, not because they think they can figure out what caused all this but to keep giving him meds for it anyway. one doctor did say he may only need the seizure medicine for 3-6 months. that was the only good news.
not the only good news, of course, he can't drink. good for me but he's not too thrilled with that idea. now its up to him & his will power. he has to accept that he'll never be able to drink again. there's always the chance that he may have another seizure. if he feels anything different (light headedness, faint or shortness of breath)he's supposed to go straight to the hospital...do not pass go...do not collect $200.
its not over.
i'll tell you more tomorrow. its 3am & i'm tuckered out. i have absorbed so much shit today that right now i can't even process it. i've always said for everything new i learn something old pops out.
whats my name again? damn, thats one i've always known. thats not a good sign.
later.

Deliruim Tremors AKA DT's

i called to see how he was doing sunday morning. they said he wasn't doing very good & had been combatative & verbally abusive all night. he's been fighting the restraints & keeps pulling off the monitor connections. how the hell he's doing that i don't know. he can't reach anything with his hands. she said they've given him adavan to help with the hallucinations & to quiet him down. he apparently has quite a tolerance to the stuff because of his tolerance to alcohol. isn't that a kick in the ass? i asked them to tell him i'd be there soon. the nurse agreed that may be good for him.
the kids left about 2 on sunday. he was sleeping when i got there. i tried to wake him but he was having none of that. so for about an hour i wiped his face & talked to a sleeping, snoring husband. his color looks good but his eyes are bloodshot & doing some freaky, side to side jerky thing every now & then when he does open them. his bandages are all bloody from pulling on things & they've cathitarized him since he can't get out of bed. ouchie-ouwie! i know he has to be hating that. he also isn't shaking like he used to.
finally, when they brought his food, between the two of us we got him awake & in an upright position. the nurse said he wouldn't eat for them. both nights now i've gotten him to eat about half of his food before he quit on me. more than anything he seemes to be thirsty. he drank a ton of water & tea for me. i liked this nurse. she talked to him like he was a human being instead of a pain in her ass like the nurse from the night before. she said they'd had a few nice conversations about the kids & horticulture. she even knew how ixxie got her nickname. she completely removed the hand restraints for me & changed the leg restraints to a soft velcro thing so, at least, the color started coming back into his feet & i could hold his hand without hurting him.
he bounces from knowing me & whats going on to not knowing a damn thing thats real. he thinks that he's looking to buy this place now & wants to get up to check out the rest of the 'house'. i tried to make him understand he was in a hospital at first. believe me after the umpteenth time i told him i gave up on that & just went with the house thing. at least he'd talk about that instead of giving me that lost look. he kept asking for a bottle of vodka, can i take him to the store and a cigarette on sunday. tonight he's just wanting a cigarette really bad. he only mentioned the drinking once. that was when he said he needed a cigarette really bad, he couldn't give up the alcohol & smoking at the same time.
both nights i stayed until visiting hours were over & they all but kicked me out. both nights he didn't fight or pull anything until right before i got ready to leave when they came in to give him the adavan. i don't know if the medication slowly wore off while i was there or what. but for the most part i can see my husband in there now. i mean after all he's always talked a bit wacky.
so, i'm going to bed early tonight. i have to go back to work tomorrow. i have pto time that i can take so i'm gonna see if i can't take off an hour early each night until i get him home. i talked to the store that is right up the street & they've promised me they wouldn't sell him anymore alcohol. unless he wants to walk about 8 miles one way thats the only place close that sells booze.
i hate to tell people what he's been through but if it will help him stay sober they need to know. i wish i had a video camera so i could have this recorded & show him what he went through to help convince him to stay clean.
oh yeah, he did fart today & when i told him he stank, he told me he only wanted me to go through a little of what he was going through. if thats the worst of it, he can shit on me.
thanks for the well wishes & prayers. you don't know how much i appreciate them. the internet really rocks & dt's really sucks.
later.

Busy Mind

i followed them to the hospital. they didn't use the siren or lights , i could see him in the back sitting up. at the hospital we waited for a doctor about 2 hours. in that time they did an ekg, cat scan & they took some blood. they took our information. his parents showed up & he talked like he was ok. he knew us all but still couldn't remember what happened. he did tell his mom who the president was & laughed. they xray his collar bone, they think he broke it again. all his tests came back ok. his brain didn't suffer any damage. his heart is strong & they admitted him to find out what caused the seizure.
when i walked in the room on friday he seemed agitated. i heard him telling a nurse that he was leaving. he'd had enough. i waited for her to leave & went in. i sat on the bed, he told me he took a sponge bath & the iv they had on him caught on another sticky monitor thing on his chest ripping his iv out. he told me he had tuna for lunch & we talked about the dog, what happened & what he couldn't remember. another nurse came in to put another iv in him, gave him a shot of something & i talked with her. she explained what she was giving him & that he'd be in there for a few days. they wanted to observe him & to get enough seizure medicine in him to ensure that he didn't do that again. when she left we sat & talked. the longer i sat there the more agitated he got. he started telling me he wanted a cigarette. at one point he leaned over the bed & said come here, give me a hit, you've got a cigarette don't you? i told him the man in the next bed had oxygen he couldn't smoke in here. i told him i'd be right back & went to get him some water so he could brush his teeth thinking that may help him get his mind off of cigarettes. in the time i was gone he yanked the iv out again, unplugged his monitor machine & was headed down the hallway. i called to the desk that he was going somewhere, as i took off down the hallway after him. we retrieved him back to the room. by now, he was getting mad & talking out of his head. he told me that they had things hooked to his head & was trying to make him a robot. he told me that these little things out on the rooftop were little children & why did they have them out there? were they already robots. he even asked what kind of institution this was & where did they get all the money to set this place up in the middle of god knows where. he just kept getting worse. the nurse came back in to put his iv in again & he went off. he started screaming at her that he wasn't going to be changed & he wanted out of this crazy place. he wasn't going to be their guniea pig anymore. they tried to get him back in bed but he wasn't having any of it. they asked him if they could give him some more medication & immediately after he started fighting with them. they moved him to icu by telling him they were going to process him out. they had called for security but i calmed him down enough that the cops never showed their faces although they were standing right outside his door. we walked him to icu & they started hooking him up again. at first he was ok but kept talking more & more crazy. his imagination was going 90 miles a minute, he was halucinating. i stepped out of the room to let them do their thing. all at once he went berserk. he started screaming at them to leave him alone & get out off this ship. he was leaving & they weren't going with him. a nurse pushed a button & people came from everywhere. i stood at the door & watched as they poured in, trying to get him into bed. when he tried to bite a nurse i walked away. by that time there was at least a dozen people in the room. one nurse was yelling for straps & i knew the worst was yet to come. i called his mother to let them know that things weren't good. she could hear him screaming in the background. she's such a soft, loving woman, i didn't want her to see him like this. i asked her not to come visit him till he gets through the worst of this. i told her everything that was going on & promised i'd keep her informed.
this is all alcohol related due to the lack of. i'm pretty sure thats what even brought on the seizure in the first place. they said today that his liver is slightly enlarged & thats never a good sign. he's in 2 inch leather straps all the way around. he's fighting the straps to the point of turning his hands & feet purple. he doesn't remember anything from one time to the next when he wakes up. it startes all over again. he doesn't know me, they have him so heavily sedated & medicated to try to help him through this. they still don't know medically what caused the seizure or so they say. he's on a heart, blood pressure & respiratory monitor. things are beeping & blinking all over the room. i'm just sick in my heart to watch him go through this. i know he's gonna blame me for all this when he is alert.
before i left today i asked the nurse how much longer they thought he'd be restrained. she said she was considering taking them off sometime this evening. that he didn't seem to hate them all anymore. he's been telling them crazy stories about the kids & our home life when he would talk & as long as he didn't get violent it looked good. i guess i'll see when i get there tomorrow. i've made a pot of chile, changed my bed, mopped the kitchen (the blood was still there) & done some laundry. i'm getting ready to start cleaning my bedroom. sonny is bringing the kids tonight so i can be with them a little while. i think that'll keep my mind busy & off hubby & his plight. i hope this makes a difference in our lives for the better & he'll be done with the booze. i'm praying for a quick response. will you, please?
later.

Dazed For Days

he'd been having trouble sleeping for the last few days. he told me wednesday night that he thought he'd buy a bottle to help him sleep. i asked him to try taking a sleep aid first. maybe he needed to get away from the bottle. besides who wanted to depend on a bottle to get some sleep. he agreed we'd buy some on thursday when we went grocery shopping.
i got home about 10 minutes later than usual on thursday. due to the road work going on.
he was sitting on the couch. he had a beer but he seemed sober. he had called me at work earlier to let me know his dad had taken the car in for some work & didn't know what time he would start for the day. he had emailed me later to let me know that he didn't go in at all. i asked him to email me the info for the new dvd recorder we bought.
hi, hon, i didn't even hear you pull up. ms. m didn't hear you either but she's been sitting on the loveseat since 20 til, waiting for you, just staring at the door.
hi. poor baby. she does love us doesn't she? how was your day?
fine.
what did you do today to stay busy?
some laundry & dishes. i'm gonna mow the yard in awhile. i was just letting it cool off alittle. are you
hungry?
no, not right now. i saw you layed out the steak. that'll be good.
we're out of veggies but we have some mac & cheese.
nah, i think i'll fix some eggs with mine.
i'm just gonna put mine on bread with some onions.
that sounds good.
if i cook the steak will you do your eggs.
yeah, no problem. did your dad get his car back yet?
i don't know. i think i'll call.
he made the call. just as he was asking, his brother said, hold on someone is pulling in right
now. it was the mechanic with the car. they talked for a few. i heard him say he'd see them tomorrow. he wanted to get started on that tree in the side yard again. he said his goodbyes.
are we shopping tonight? we just need a few things.
yeah, i guess we have to. have you made a list?
no, i don't think we need one. anything special you want to get?
just the sleeping pills you need.
oh yeah, i forgot.
you still want to try them don't you?
yeah, can't hurt. i'm getting hungry. think i'll go ahead & fix the steak.
i picked up the manual to the dvd recorder & started reading. it was about 7 pm. i heard him pounding the steak. i heard him in the fridge.
do we have onions?
look in the door.
i did. i don't see any. i even looked in the butter dish.
look in the door right next to the butter dish.
nope, none there.
look in the pink thing.
he looked at me like he didn't know what i was talking about.
honey, the pink thing beside the air conditioner. where we keep potatoes, onions, things like that. in the top shelf on the right side.
bingo! we've got onion. good.
i went back to the manual. i heard him more than watched him as he cut the onion & opened the oven to put the steak in.
that fast... he fell to the floor. he was jerking, laying almost face down but kinda on his right side. i ran to him & rolled him onto his side, so i could look at him. his arms were pulled up tight against his chest & his hands were drawn in tight almost like a fist. i asked him what was happening. he couldn't hear me. he was twitching, eyes closed but fluttering. every now & then, i could see enough to know they had rolled back into his head. i ran for the phone & grabbed ms. m so she didn't go near him. as i dialed 911 i took her into the bathroom & closed the door. the lady answered & i ran back to hubby.
my husband just collapsed on the floor. he looks like he's having a seizure.
has he ever had a seizure before?
no, this is the first time i've ever seen him do anything like this.
tell me what he looks like. is he conscious?
no, he isn't responding. he's twitching & has his arms drawn up tight across his chest. his eyes are closed.
is he breathing?
yes, but not right. he's kind of gasping.
whats your name?
lindy.
where do you live?
900 wood off of mt. lindy.
is he still unconsious?
yes.
is he still twitching?
yes.
ok. i'm gonna stay on the line with you. the ambulance is on the way. it should only be a few minutes. are you okay?
i'm scared.
does he have any alergies?
no.
is he on any medication?
no.
does he drink?
yes.
has he had anything to drink today?
yes, but only a few, i think. should i leave him on his side or roll him over? right now i'm holding him on his side but he's trying to fling back. oh god, he's foaming from the mouth now & it looks like he's bleeding alittle too.
right now , i'd rather you left him on his side. is he still breathing?
yes, a little better now.
you said he's bleeding from his mouth. is it much blood?
no.
all of a sudden he started taking deep breathes. gasping for air like he needed alot of oxygen. he stopped twitching & slowly opened his eyes.
wait, he's coming out of it i think. he stopped twitching & he's trying to sit up.
is he conscious now?
he's coming to.
honey, can you hear me? do you know what happened?
is he answering you?
no, he's looking at me like he doesn't know who i am. it's ok sweetie, i hear the ambulance now. you're gonna be ok.
i ran over, opened the front door & shut the birds door. i could hear the people coming up the walk & i quickily ran back to him so he didn't try to get up. i sat on the floor with him & talked to him.
is the ambulance there?
yes.
ok, i'm gonna let you go now.
thank you.
a man in blue uniform came in the front door. he had a medical bag & started asking me what happened. basically the same questions the lady on the phone asked.
i answered him as he started taking blood pressure, looking at his eyes & checking him out. by that time 2 women had come into the house. hubby was talking himself a little & trying to answer them too. he told them he didn't remember anything about why he was on the floor. he couldn't remember what he'd done today. his words were slurred & his eyes were huge. he told them his name, birthdate & who i was. he couldn't tell them the year or the president. they asked if he could stand, they wanted him to sit in a chair while they continued to check him over. he walked with help to a chair. they finished checking him & told him they were taking him to the hospital so they could take care of him. as they headed for the door he tried to pull away. he said he needed his cigarettes & lighter. then he headed for the kitchen & picked up his beer that had been sitting on the counter. i took it away & told him he needed to go with these people so we could find out what caused this. he asked me what happened & i explained that i thought he had a seizure but i wanted him to go to the hopital. finally he went out the door with them & climbed into the ambulance.
i've been up for 2 days, spending as much time as i can at the hospital. i'll be back in a minute to tell you what i know at this point.
later.

Spy Fuckers

finally. is blogger sick or is still just me? it has taken forever to open a new post. and i mean fooorrrrreeeeeevvvvaaaahhhhhh! when i signed off last week everything was fine but when hubby signed on the next day some stupid antispy program came up, froze the computer & wouldn't let us sign into any of our emails. most programs as a matter of fact. i couldn't even get google to come up. no matter what has hit the computer i've always been able to get google up thankfully, cos thats where i get my answers from. i'm totally lost without it. want a quick fix? ask google. want a driver? ask google. want to know what your symptoms mean? ask google. its my personal free fix it all. i was lost without it, literally driving blind, so to speak. so the worldantispy thingy came up on the 21'st & i tried looking into safe mode to see if i could fix it. of course, keep in mind hubby is signing in everyday to see if anything has changed. plus, i'm checking google at another pc to find answers. then signing in to make those fixes happen. before i thought about it we had passed all our last 5 saved registry entries that you're supposed to be able to restore back to. and we were pretty much fucked! the only thing we could get to open was the isp that we pay for & everything i tried was automatically undone cos this spy program even knew when i was trying to delete it & reapplied itself. what a shithead! who thinks these things up? turns out it was a trojan that hijacked the computer. at least it wasn't a destructive virus.
i still have no idea how we got this thing. hubby swears he hasn't been to any porn sites. which is where they've come from in the past. he says the only thing he's done is read his newspapers & emails. he gets newspapers from around the world but i know they wouldn't have a spy attached to them. i mean i know everything has cookies but this was different. it added a key to my registry that i found by running our anti-virus program.
i don't know if cruising blogs can stick it to you or not. (guess i should ask blogger, huh?) i love to read random blogs but if thats a threat i can do without it. i'm also a member of blogexplosion which you can use to get traffic. again, i can lose all that if it means not getting any stupid shit downloaded into my pc. sigh....i'm gonna miss it but until i find out where this came from you can bet i'm gonna be alot more careful.
to make a long story shorter, i finally remembered i had saved a registry in my documents just in case of something like this. last night i applied that & viola! that quick i can sign into all my accounts again. the pc is running a tad slower so i know the damn thing left remnants of its program in there but right now i'm just happy to be back on the net.
this weekend will be spent running hijack this, cwshredder & constant checking on google to remove the entire thing.
wish me luck. i can use it. until then if you don't see much of me hitting your site, you know why.
later.