Tuesday, August 10, 2010

ONE Half Century

happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
you look like a monkey
and i have jock itch for you!
yep! you read that right. i've spent many, many hours in the pool with the kids this summer. something i've always done. but this year they haven't taken care of the pool like they should. lots of days when we go the water has been cloudy & the jets aren't working very well. i really didn't worry about it too much cos i was under the assumption that chlorine in the pool would mostly kill any bacteria that might be living in there. turns out i was wrong. tinea is the creepy little fungus that causes jock itch & it can appear almost anywhere on your body. living in your bathing suit apparently gives it a damp place to grow. now i know all this after reading up on what it was. you can bet i don't keep my suit on after getting out of the pool now & i don't let the kids run around in theirs anymore but can you say 'thats after the fact'? i'm also pool shy! i've only been in once since i've turned up with this & that was only cos it was so friggin hot i couldn't stand it anymore. with the temperature & the heat index combining to a riduculous 110 degrees it has just been too much! i've been itching myself raw & bathing in epsom salt & rubbing all kinds of medicines on me. i've almost reached the point of shaving myself to stop the matting from the creams &.....nevermind, we're crossing the line between 'information & too much' so i'm gonna stop here.
hubby turned 50!!! finally hit the big FIVE O. yep, and i'm agonna tell ya what: he's been a bear for almost 2 weeeks. like he's the only person in the world that hated to turn 50. pfft. puhhllleeezzzeee! i'm ready to tear his eyebrows out one by one. then i want to start on his mustache. then i'm going for the groin hairs. you have to understand! he's been horrible! the kids can't stand him, i can't stand him & he can't stand himself.
i thought for sure with the jock itch i'd get out of the birthday sex that he expects (with glee). especially that he wasn't looking forward to this birthday anyway. but alas, no such luck. he mentioned it a few days ago & i said 'you sure you want to take a chance with getting this'? he looked at me like i was a slab of meat. 'i don't have to have missionary sex, your mouth isn't broke'. 'oh, so i can give you a blow job except don't you think maybe this peeling on my hands might have something to do with the jock itch'? 'didn't you just buy latex gloves for painting'? well shit, i couldn't win so sex he got & still he was a bitch. and he didn't get jock itch either. damn, karma isn't on my side lately & i've reached the point of too much again, huh? sorry.
i'm going now.