Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

ok, god please forgive me for yelling at him. i hate to yell. i already talk loud, its just in me. part of my genetics. part of who i am. in gym, when i was young & cool, still in school, the teacher always asked me to announce scores & who was in the lead cos i didn't need a microphone to be heard over the drone of the crowd. of course, neither did she but why be a teacher if you can't tell kids what to do? since i've grown up i've learned to use my inside voice but sometimes i get excited & theres no controlling my volume. but to yell! i hate it. even in caps its not cool. so, i apologize for yelling & hope to be forgiven. i thought about deleting or unposting the whole thing but thats a cop out. a conniption fit was had & it must not be covered up. if i promise to never, ever do it again, can i still blog? ok, i promise i'll never do it again.
happy halloween everyone! today is my favorite holiday of the whole year. its the most fun day usually. this year, it was kind of a let down. we only had about a dozen or so kids & half of them weren't even dressed up. just their usual play clothes. nobody was scary & nobody wore face paint. nobody wore a neat outfit or a homemade one. what happened to parents that got into halloween? sonny used to have a couple of outfits lined up & run as fast as he could around the neighborhood so he could come home, change into another outfit & make another round. i was disappointed in today. i think its the weekday halloween. maybe parents have too much to do & not enough time to get things together. i remember rushing home from work to get pictures of sonny getting ready & the finished product & then passing out candy so i got to see all the cute or scary trick or treaters. i didn't even get to do any tricks! dang it! as jammer says.
well, i'm gonna hit the shower & the sack.
i've found one drawback to our new office. the bathroom is downstairs & when you gotta go...its a bitch to make it down those stairs, through the people, behind the counter & down another hall. by the time i got there i forgot why i went. i didn't even have to go anymore.
k, i'm done.

Monday, October 30, 2006

A Plea

i've already told you i was ready to make the change. this past weekend was a real eye opener. i'm tired of living like this. but above & beyond i refuse to expose my grandkids to this kind of life any longer. they really don't deserve it & i don't want them to think that living like this is ok. i don't want them to think putting up with a mean drunk is the best they can expect. fuck that, not just a mean drunk but any kind of drunk, any kind of shit they don't want to deal with is totally unacceptable. i want to teach them to think for themselves & stand up for themselves. nobody should have to accept the unacceptable. friends, this is unacceptable!
hubby made them all miserable this weekend. everytime he opened his mouth he did nothing but make them cry. all of them! jammer was so frustrated with him that he gritted his teeth while he asked him to 'please, just let me talk to memaw.' a 3 year old child & he was trying so hard to control his hatred that he clenched his fists & gritted his teeth while he tried to maintain his respect for the adult in his life. i was so proud of him for being such a big guy. on the other hand i felt so sorry for all of them all i could do was love them extra hard & ask hubby to please just let us all be.
hubby refused to let them take toys to the tub. he stood in the doorway & blocked one twin because she wasn't carrying her own pj's. even though the twin behind her carried all the pj's. he wanted to send them to the corner for every little thing. they all have colds & felt bad but that didn't mean anything to him. he was, i can't even put it into words. he didn't have a nice word for anyone.
today i told him we needed to talk & reminded him of several things this weekend. i told him i stopped on the way home & opened a savings account & i would only use my money but a divorce was inevitable. he said he knew, he had read my blog. but, hello, he was drinking when i got home. a whole lot of effort is going in here. he answered that suicide was on his mind. not at his own hands but in his half wake state & in his dream thats what he invisions. am i supposed to feel remorse cos his dreams are about suicide? am i supposed to put up with his sorry ass because he is so out of control that he imagines his death & i guess, how it could happen? sorry, but the last 5 years of my life i've felt like i was dead inside anyway. the only thing that has made me feel even like coming home is to watch after my animals & fridays are the only day i look forward to coming home cos the kids will be here. then to have them put up with his meanness. no way! no more! no sorry!
our lives will be so much better once you are out of it. so, go ahead, dream of your suicide. hell, make plans if thats what you want to do. just please, leave us out of it. leave us out of your daydreams & your life.
go away, please.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Big D Is On

to beta or not to beta. i've mentioned before that i'm dying to try it. well, the smartest woman in the world, ML, suggested i try it somewhere else & i did. i'll let you know one way or the other when i make my decision. i'm still practising right now. i know i like the drag & drop aspect of it. theres still lots of issues that they're not sure about like you can't load pictures from flickr or other 3rd party sites. nothing that bothers me. i have my pics saved on my pc.
i went into work today. my back isn't 100% & my neck still hurts but i've lived with the backache for a long time. thats part of getting old, i guess. i still had to put my desk together. everything there seems to be working out fine. i think this was a good move. its closer to the front of the parking lot so not so far to walk but farther from my smoking area. dear god, help me, here comes hubby honing in on me to get a kiss goodnight. have you ever noticed when someone gets drunk they can't hold their head still? he kinda reminds me of a slow witted bobblehead. not to mention the body sway he gets going on. and you know what? i've typed all this while he's still making his way to me. with his little bobblehead thingy going on. when he finally makes it to me he'll miss my lips & kiss my nose cos he can't focus that close. if i don't hold him up he'll probably fall into me when he bends over. if i was standing up i swear i'd move to the side & let him fall all the way down. for those of you that are curious, yes, the drunk is back. only worse, if thats possible. he's doing at least 2 bottles of vodka a day & i can't begin to tell you how much beer he drinks. all evidence of alcohol is gone by the time i get home. considering i'm at work & out of the house for 10 hours a day. last week my friend told me he walked to the store first thing every morning right after i left. he's working about 2 days a week, if i'm lucky, giving him plenty of time to find all new hiding places. we've always kept a change jar so i know where he's getting the money. lately, i've been leaving my change at work locked in my drawer. no sense in trying to save it at home if he won't leave it alone. i'll never have anything with this man. he thinks i'm just talking through my ass about divorcing him. i've made up my mind though, that nothing can be as bad as watching him kill himself. i'd rather live in a roach infested crack house with nothing than live like this. i know when i leave he won't pay the bills so i'll still wind up supporting him in the long run if i ever want electricty in my name or a phone. of course, i could go ahead & turn everything off but then i'm committed. (i just thought of that) the only thing i've decided so far is to open a new savings account. thats the first step in getting the money together. i really don't care anymore what he takes half of. the only things i care about are my dog, my bird, my albums & pictures. i worry everyday when i leave for work about coming home to a dead animal or a burned down home. i'm thinking maybe i'll go ahead & get my albums out of here, my sister or mom will hang onto them for me. nipper already has most of my pics. just so happened about a month ago she asked me if she could go through them cos she has no pics of her as a child & i do. strange how things like that work out, isn't it? well, i'm tired of thinking tonight.

Monday, October 23, 2006

My Week

jammer woke without finding me in the bedroom & called for me this weekend.
'memaw! where are you?'
'i'm coming.'
'you're not supposed to leave me.'
'you were sleeping & i woke up.'
'you couldn't watch me?'
'watch you sleep?'
'yeah, i'm cute.'
this kid cracks me up.
i'm almost finished with ixxies costume. i keep adding things to it. its so cute. if i can i'll put pics up when i get them all together & dressed. i'll have all 4 this weekend but i think we won't be trick or treating till tuesday. i just want to see them all dressed in their costumes. halloween is one holiday i can really get into. most of them involve way too much driving but halloween i just take them walking & that ain't so bad.
we moved our offices at work on tuesday. well, we didn't move it, we had it done but putting all the boxes in the right office & getting things arranged did a number on my back. i woke up on wednesday & couldn't stand up. by thursday i couldn't turn my head. i think i pulled something major. i've developed a hump at the top of my ass on each side. i guess you could call me the hump-ass not of notre dame. anyway, i can't turn my head either. someone said something about a scitatic nerve & i cringed. pulling my neck even worse. i talked to a chiropractor & he said he'd have to do x-rays before he could adjust anything. my doctor thinks an x-ray sounds like a good idea. i must have a $ on my forehead. everybody wants my money & hey, guess what? if i don't work i'm not getting any richer. granted i'm not getting any poorer but laying in a hospital bed waiting to heal isn't my idea of good times. neither is cutting on my back for that matter.
this week hasn't been very exciting. ms. m has had several seizures. we've had lots of company. belle from hell has been by. she was exciting in her rendition of how the cops arrested her son because she beat the shit out of her boss. for some unknown reason he refused to pay them for the job they did. she went off on him & when the cops showed up he told them the son hit him. i guess to save face from being beat up by a woman. this had to be a sight to see. she only stands about 4'10" tall & i bet she doesn't way 100 lbs. but thats why we call her 'belle from hell'. when she gets pissed you better run.
of course, sonny & honey has been in & out. my little sis, ranie has been here. she came to change the oil on my car for the boots i bought her. it didn't get done cos sonny showed up & she wanted to visit instead.
she brought a friend with her who was a very butch looking, big, big gal. she shook my hand when ranie introduced her & i felt like i was being whiplashed off the couch.
then theres dicks. he needs to hang out for awhile. he's in from out of state & wants to visit a few friends while he's here. he'll probably be leaving around the 1st of the month. he broke his back on the job last year & they told him he'd never walk again. he did & they now call him a miracle. i'm amazed cos he takes it all in stride like it was nothing. i just feel like my back is broken & i'm a big whining wuss.
well, like i said, nothing much going on. its raining again. pretty soon we're gonna be one big mud slide, up here on the top of the hill, sitting at the bottom.
that's pretty much all i have for this week. whats been going on with you? anything exciting? i truly lead a boring life. i wouldn't change for less than a million bucks.
catch ya later.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Beta or Blog

has anyone tried the new beta blogging yet? i am so curious but it says if you upgrade to using the beta you can't go back. i have an older blog but its a work bitch only. i don't post any of the entries, i keep it private cos i can't afford to lose my job but i want to keep a journal of the things that piss me off there &/or the things that happen. i'm considering trying the beta there just to see if i like it first. at least there, if i don't like it, i won't be commited to posting. i can just test it & draft like i always do. if i do like it then i know in advance i won't get hung up with this site. before i upgrade if someone has an opinion i'd appreciate any feedback.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Life And Love...And Sometimes Dreams

oohh, ow, & ouch! can your ouch hurt? i know my don't feel good hurts but what about my ouch? its raining & that makes everything hurt. i hate old. i'm old. i used to be getting old but i've finally climbed that hill & i'm well on my way down the other side. its days like this that i know from the inside of my body out that i'm old. my body feels like i've slammed it in a vise. my arms even ache today. could this really be from the cold rain? i love the rain. how am i gonna deal with loving the rain if it hurts me like this?
winter is well on its way. we haven't had any of the 's' word yet. i've seen pictures of other states that have already had it. my weather man tells me its hit close to me but not quite in my area yet. he's already threatening me with it. if the rain hurts me what the hell is the snow gonna do this year? ugh, i said the 's' word. i don't even want to think about it.
i've started the costumes for halloween. big guy wants to be spiderman. thats easy. i just went ahead & bought that costume. he was having bad nightmares so i bought the outfit & told him he was stronger than the monsters so if he wore this to bed he could kick some monster butt & not have to be afraid. he still hasn't had a nightmare to date.
i have a twin that wants to be a beautiful woman with a purse, a cell phone & makeup! lots of makeup. she wants to wear a princess dress. i'd love to turn her loose with the stuff she needs & let her do it herself. just to see what she would come up with.
the other twin wants to dress as a brat. boy could i dress her as a brat & give her some pointers on how to act. just watch ixxie for the best brat moves. she's got them down pat!
then ixxie wants to be aurora from 'sleeping beauty'. i have most of that done. i just bought the lace to add to the dress & make her arms out of this past weekend. i measured her for the lengths too.
i also borrowed my friends sewing machine. its a really good one or so she tells me. i haven't had the pleasure of using it yet. i'll let you know when i do.
ML, you asked a really tough question. its taken me a while to brain think that one through. i think what it comes down to is 1.) i'm old. (see above) i was about your age when i hooked up with him & at that time he was holding down 2 jobs. he seemed to be the most considerate, thoughtful, sweet man i'd ever met. keep in mind i had been single since i was 24. i dated lots of guys after my first husband passed away. i weighed everything about each one with a pro/con list. hubby seemed to fit the bill perfectly. that was after 15 years of shopping. i thought i'd seen every con. 15 years later i hate the thought of starting over. what if the next one does the same thing after 15 years?
boy, if i knew then what i know now. now, i know i wasn't as smart as i thought i was. now, i know a man really will say or do anything to get what he wants. integrity has nothing to do with it.
2.) he can take half of everything i own. my home, cars, bank account, 401k, retirement fund, everything. i made an appt. with a lawyer & she told me nothing was safe. i think this is the biggest thing.
3.) his parents have way more money than me & they'll help him to fight for that half.
4.) does stupid count?
cos if it does let me reiterate! stupid, stupid, stupid.
i look back on our dating days & i still don't see what i missed. there was no indication that things would turn out like this. i never saw the drinking taking over. and i swear i never saw a mean bone in his body.
my mom says that the meanness comes with the drinking.
5.) when it comes down to ending it. i'll have to be the one to leave my home. over the last 5 years i've begged him to leave. i've had his clothes packed for 2 whole years begging him to leave. he lived out of those boxes & refused to leave. the only way to make him leave would be to file the divorce, have him served & make arrangements for the police to escort him out when he's served. that was the lawyers advise.
i'm not as strong as i used to be. i've never had someone that i couldn't win against. until now. i think i'm beat. i know i'm tired of fighting for what i want to be perfect & i know i'll never have that perfect.
as it stands i at least know what to expect. when i'm really unhappy i just leave the room. when he's in the living room...i go to the bedroom. if he comes in the bedroom i go to the living room. in the hallway i skinny up to one side & in the bed i do the same. i know how to avoid him.
one of my favorite movies is 'war of the roses'. it reminds me of me. maybe someday i'll get fed up & just not be able to take it anymore.
i spend alot of my time in a dream world. in my dream world i have the perfect man & he loves me. he thinks of me & respects my opinions. he wants to be with me sober & he wants to make love to me. we love to cuddle & talk. we always touch & we always do little things for each other. sometimes when i get home from work i just sit in the car & close my eyes so i can picture this perfect love. i feel the sun on my face & imagine its him stroking my face.
i don't flinch.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Getting Back In The Swing

happy thanksgiving, my dear uk friends. i hope you've all had a great day. thank you all for your support & inspiring words. you don't realize it but you've been there for me through alot. i've read the comments & i need to think about what you've put to me. i didn't want you to think i was just gonna ignore your questions. i've been so busy this week that i hadn't noticed how much i've missed blogging. i've attended a funeral. a strange funeral. the guy & his family knew he was dying. he was told he had cancer & given options for treatment, all of which he declined. at first, till it was too late. he layed in the hospital for 3 weeks before his family even thought to bring him any magazines. finally, someone else mentioned taking him out to the chapel, bringing in magazines or books & having a counselor stop in to visit. thats when the family said, 'duh, why didn't we think of that'.
while he was fighting the pain & preparing for his own funeral the doctor gave him marijauna to
help him through it all. i guess he would get happy & hungry because of it. momma decided
he acted too stupid so she decided not to give it to him. hell, woman! what was you thinking? i
can't imagine not letting someone laugh through their last few months if thats a possibility. just
cos she didn't like the way he acted while he was stoned. how self centered can one woman be? anyway, the funeral was a singing funeral. they played some of his favorite songs & let any-one sing a song that knew a song. it was, well, strange. i'm glad i went for the support of my friend but i was also glad when it was over.
we've been working on the car. just cleaning it up. washing, waxing & buffing it to a beautiful shine. we armoralled the inside & tires. put the top down & got it stuck! yeah, that was just my luck. oh no, just my luck was it rained while it was stuck down. we had to suck it dry with a heavy duty vacumm. but i love it. its a beautiful car. my dream car. i need to winterize it with an oil change & tuneup. put some new tires on it & vroom, vroom! i'll be the bitch blowing down the road in the hot red lebaron. maybe next spring i can afford a new rag top for the baby. i need ideas for her name. have you ever named your cars? i sound like i'm 16 again, don't i?
i've just about finished with the redecoration throughout my house. i still need to paint my bedroom & carpet to match. i'd like to put a day bed with a trundel under it for the girls in the front room. thats another expense i can't afford right now.
i'm hoping hubby will go to work sometime this week so i can afford the tires for the car. if not, i'm fucked on that one until my next payday. the good thing is i have an extra check next month. i'll be able to do several things then.
oh, how could i forget? i haven't told you all about replacing the front door. hubby & i working together on that one & its a story you have to hear. not now. its way to involved for tonight.
i'm gonna fix my lunch for tomorrow & hit the sack for now.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Faults And Fixations

does blogger know when i am at my most vulnerable? i think they must have a camera attached to this site cos when i'm at most vulnerable is when they seem to lose my post. i pour my heart out, ask for advise & it never fails, i lose the post.
the good thing is i have come to the conclusion that i needed anyway. i needed to think my brain through & accept my own conclusions.
see, i've been feeling guily that i was not supportive enough of my husband & his attempts to quit drinking. i don't remember if it published but i had mentioned that he had asked the doctor for a medication to help him quit. i was feeling guilty about my support of his efforts but you know what? its not me. i've been to AA with him. i went through this seizure with him. i've let him know that whatever it takes to get through any of this i'd be beside him.
the thing is, although i'll support him through whatever he goes through, i still don't love him. not anymore. i loved him when i married him but the truth is....i've seen too much. no. i've been through too much...i've endured too much. i've lost my love, respect & most of all, my oneness with him. in the beginning, he completed me. he was my better half. after all the shit he has pulled, i just don't feel that 'love, honor & obey....yadda, yadda...stuff that i promised in the beginning. i've never pulled anything stupid on him. i've never made him go through a dui with me. i've never made him pay the bills. i've never made him be the responsible one. it was my home when he moved in. it was my bills. it was my job i had to get to. it was all my responsibilities. i had to get to work however i could, i had to pay the bills, i had to fix the faults in my home. i've never held him responsible but i've asked him to help me fix them. the most i've ever asked of him was when i went through a miscarriage. even then, he was with me in the hospital but to discuss anything afterward, he was never there for me. its like it never happened. lately, since he was the man of the home, i've left it to him in some cases. that was my downfall. i knew i couldn't count on him to take over but with my supervision i've expected him to help me. i expected too much. my home, my car, my bills, my yard, my shed, my dog, my bird, my everything was too much for him. i knew he had a bigger picture for himself. he wanted a woman that was self-sufficient. i was that woman but i was looking for someone to help me. he was not that man.
i feel guilty that he has to go through this. but it isn't my fault he became a drunk. it isn't my fault that he can't handle these responsibilities. he isn't my fault.
its taken me a minute to get this all in prospective. i think i have now.
he is not my fault.