Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Is It Over Yet?

well, i can thank god that i've made it through another holiday season. i might add i didn't punch anyone out. (crazy fucking shoppers) although i did get pretty close when i got stuck behind a woman that just wouldn't get a move on & i motioned that i needed her to hurry along when her husband got snotty with me over 'her not being able to move very fast'. after i apologized for being anxious to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE STORE he took it that i meant he could be an asshole so i kinda had to put him in his place & let him know that my world only revolved around me. i didn't run anyone off the road. (crazy fucking drivers) and i didn't have to deal with snow. (crazy fucking global warming) i've been off work since last friday & only work 2 days this week before i take off 2 more days. seriously folks, this has been a mini vacation for me & one great holiday season. i don't usually say that so you might want to frame this post. you'll probably never hear it out of me again. the last 2 weeks have cost me a total of about $1200.00 but i'm not complaining. i didn't use a credit card, it was all cash, so its not like i put me in debt. the one thing i love about this time of year is income tax time is right around the corner. the faster i can get them filed the more i love it cos that means more money back in my bank account.
we had a lovely time with nipper & her family with a big ole ham dinner. all the kids are healthy & traveler made it home from california so we all had a nice visit. on our way out we stopped by & wished dad & his woman a merry christmas & made plans to get together with them next weekend with all our aliens. all in all a very good week.
don't forget my bd is next week so if you want to donate to the cause you'll have to buy a bottle of yagermeister & about 2:30 am on the 2nd of january have a great big ole swig to wish me another year of health, wealth & great fortune. thats my plans for the day anyway & i'd love to know all my friends are joining me around the world. even if your not i'll pretend so be ready for that hangover i'll be sharing with you.
so goodbye for the 2007 year & hello to the new 2008 coming in. i probably won't be seeing you beforehand.
and now, on with the show!!!!!

she be done!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Th, Th, Th, Thats All Folks

Merry Christmas to All!!!!
And to all a goodnight.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ew Ew That Smell

what the fuck is it? yes, i know it smells like shit, dammit, but what exactly is it? really, theres no shit in my bathroom. we flush the toilet after we use it & everything goes down the hole. where could it be hanging out? i've cleaned out under the sink, inside the closet & all the rug pieces in the room. scrubbed the tub & toilet (actually hubby scrubbed the toilet for me) still that shit smell is there. i actually clean my bathroom once a week & wipe out the sink at least once a day. you know you always have to clean the sink after toothbrushing & hubby trimming his mustache. but hubby scrubbed the inside of the bowl cos the hard water, iron stains had gotten to be so ugly that i couldn't take it anymore. i got my gloves & sandpaper ready to do the job & he was all, 'oh honey, i'll do that for you. you just go to work & make the money. i'll be the house bitch for now'. and of course, i was all okay, great, go to it!

i used to love the smell of my bathroom. all you smelled was soap (that really great smelling vitamin soap make by dial), deodorant, shampoo, conditioner (i love the coconut ones), bed & bath bubble accessories, makeup, perfume & hairspray. the really great smells of a bathroom that when mixed together all smell so clean & inviting. a few weeks ago, all of a sudden like overnight, all you can smell is shit. i don't get it. i've lived here almost 30 years & i've never smelled my bathroom this sssttttiiinnnkkkyyyy!!!! in case you didn't get it that was a crybaby whine. i've stooped to pulling the carpet out of the bathroom just in case its under the damn thing. we've washed all the tank covers & seat covers & ewwwww, it still just smells like shit. although, i have finally accomplished one great task with all my bitching that i'm tired of being the only one that cares about the cleanliness of the bathroom.
i've bitched & moaned for years that i had hung my last roll of toilet paper. i've bitched until i was blue in the face. i've bitched to the point that even jammer will hang a roll of toilet paper now. isn't that great? now i can always walk into my stinky fucking bathroom & see the nice new roll of toilet paper hung on the wall. i am queen of my stinky fucking bathroom.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Catch And Release

why is it you never have a camcorder when you need one? things here at alien nation has been interesting to say the least.
friday honey called to let us know they would be on their way early so they could stop to do some shopping on their way home. fine with me. just means i get a little extra time with the big guy. she also informed me that jammer was in trouble. his teacher had called the night before to let them know he had borrowed a phone from the class room. it was a cell phone she had brought in for the kids to play with but it was a $200.00 phone. someone had told her that jammer was the guilty party & she wanted it back. nobody knew anything about him having a new phone so honey went into his room to look for it. of course, the kids were in bed & she didn't find anything so when they got up in the morning she asked jammer about the phone. he admitted to borrowing the phone but he had left it on the bus. what a thief! he didn't even bother keeping up with the damn thing until he got home. well, they did find the phone on the bus & it was returned. no harm....lots of foul. he's way too young to be getting a bad rap at school like that. but he was guilty & he was punished. you'd think he'd learn?
hubby & i needed to do some grocery shopping & you know how i can't stay away from the dollar store? i took the kids into the dollar store with me so he could get the shopping done quicker. (don't worry, he had a list.) i told the kids i'd buy them each a dollar toy if they were good while we were in the store. i let them go ahead & pick the toy. just so they knew the taste of anticipation. they were right beside me the whole time we were in the store. they didn't get too loud. they were good. honest!
when we got home jammer wanted to take his coat in the playroom. i thought, hhmmmm, kinda strange so i asked him to give me the coat. he got a little panicky & tried to get out of letting me look at it. now, i was totally suspicious. because the rest of the story has to be a little more detailed & is gonna be a really long post i'll go ahead & break the news. in his pocket i found a

lightning mcqueen play flip phone that i didn't buy for him!!!

i was just amazed that he'd steal anything when i offered to buy him something but there it was. in living color. i had a talk with him & told him how bad it was to steal & he insisted he borrowed it. i asked him if he only borrowed then who did he borrow it from? you have to ask someone if you're borrowing & then it meant you have to return it. who was he returning it to? he told me they didn't want it back. well, i was determined to win this one. he needed to be taught a hard lesson. i have a neighbor that i've known for about 25 years that lives right behind me & guess what? he's a security guard who wears a uniform, that looks close enough to a cop to pass as far as a kid is concerned, with a gun on his belt & a badge on his shirt & handcuffs, people! HANDCUFFS!
i had hubby visit him while nobody was paying any attention & a little while later my friend shows up fully uniformed. in his most authoritive cop voice & asked for 'Jammer Alien'. as soon as jammer came out of the playroom & saw the uniform he started crying. mr. b was very good in his role. he didn't let up for a minute & told him that every criminal he ever arrested cried as he was arresting them. they always got caught & they were always sorry when they did get caught. he explained that there were cameras everywhere & they were always watching what you were doing. he said that he had seen the store tape & watched jammer steal the toy. he told him that he had no choice but to arrest him, the store wanted to press charges. jammer tried to explain that he just borrowed the toy but mr. b sternly explained that you don't borrow things from the store. things there were always for sale & if you don't pay for it then you go to jail. they had a long chat & jammer gave up his big sister as the one that taught him how to steal. thats right! he ratted her out! mr b boomed 'where is ixxie'? so out of the playroom she came already in tears. i was so glad this turn of events came about because we've had several issues with her anyway. (too many to even go into here) now mr. b was really on a roll cos he was taking them both to jail & separate jails so they'd never see each other again. talk about a bawling bunch of kids. he had them both so scared they couldn't hardly talk. now, to be honest, i was nearly in tears as well, poor jammer was just hiccuping from crying so hard. he couldn't hardly talk for hiccuping. but i nearly busted a gut when mr b asked him to turn around cos he was gonna have to cuff him & take him to jail. the poor baby put his hands together behind his back like he'd been arrested a thousand times before. i swear you would have thought he was an old pro at it. mr. b looked at me & mouthed, 'has he done this before'? i shook my head no but you could tell he was about to lose it too. after cuffing him he turned him around & told him to tell everyone goodby & ixxie to do the same cos this was the last time they were gonna see us. the kids just got kind of quiet. like they were really gone for the rest of their lives & accepting that. you could have heard a pin drop. finally jammer asked if he could take the toy back & maybe not have to go to jail if he promised to never steal again. mr b asked if thought he could really stick to that? jammer agreed that he would never ever steal again. so mr. b asked ixxie the same thing & she too promised to never do anything like that again. finally, he agreed to give them another chance & slid the cuffs off jammers wrist. on his way out the door he looked back & said, 'if i ever have to come back here again, i won't give you another break. you understand that don't you? you will go straight to jail'. heads bobbed everywhere & in the end jammer asked mr. b if he could give him a hug for not taking him to jail. course, mr b bent down & took a hug.
i'm thinking this was the best medicine i could have ever dished up. i can't wait to talk to mr b again. i know he had a blast with this one. guess who's getting a really good christmas gift for being such a good police officer?

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Let There Be Light

i found the perfect christmas gift for me. you know how when you're a blind old lady & you're driving down the dark country road on your way home from work when a huge ugly truck pulls up fast on your tail & has bright lights shining right in your eyes? well, look at what i found. i saw this on a truck a few nights ago & i saw it in action. this truck pulled up fast on my ass (i was already doing 50) with his bright lights on. well, on this twisting old country road 50 was fast enough for me so when he started to go around me i just slowed down & let it happen. jerk, this is how innocent people like me wind up dead. there was still a truck in front of him & he wasn't in any hurry to be dead either. he slowed down too. but there wasn't enough room for the two trucks to be side by side so the jerk was stuck behind the truck. only the big truck in front wasn't happy with the jerks bright lights shining in his eyes either. so he flashed these mothers on & damn if the whole world didn't go bright white! i was so tickled i almost peed myself. anyone who had been privy to my conversation with myself would have died laughing. i literally danced in my seat with glee! yes! i want one! i want 2! i want to blind every asshole that blinds me with the bright lights from behind. let me tell you how fast that jerk turned his bright lights off. can you say pfft? it was that fast. yeah man, i can see me with those suckers attached to the rear window & set to hit right in their eyes. yeah, this might get me hit from behind but hey, it won't be my fault. now i have to find something that lets me see when those lights are passing me in groups of 3 or more & i'll be a happy camper.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Bend Over Baby

you know how you hear that every insurance company wants to screw you & they'll make you an offer, get you paid off as quickly as possible, & be done with you? i'm beginning to think thats all a line of bs. how could that be true when its taken this insurance company 3 1/2 weeks to do something? when this accident first happened i was a good little insuree & called my insurance company immediately. i told them i wasn't at fault & the guy admitted that immediately. of course there was no way he could squirm out of it. all the people in the parking lot at the time saw exactly what happened. even when the cop pulled up he said to the guy 'how did you do this?'. the guy told him he just didn't look before he started turning. after explaining all this to my insurance company they advised me to contact his company first thing in the morning & if they didn't do something to take car of my car then to call them back & thats when they would step in. otherwise, was there anything else they could do for me & thanked me for my time. the next morning after i got my morning work finished thats exactly what i did. his insurance company replied 'ahhh, yes, we've been expecting your call. he did report this & someone will be in touch with you soon'. 2 days later someone did finally contact me & asked if everyone was alright & if i would be needing a rental. i told them no, we were alright & i didn't know anything about needing a rental until i talked to the shops about how long they would have my car to fix it. i knew i'd need estimates on getting my car fixed so thats what i did the very next day & had 3 lined up so when they asked for my estimates i could send them immediately. well, they did ask for an estimate but only one. the friday after the accident i faxed them the hightest estimate cos thats what they asked for when i told them i had 3. the lady on the phone told me that if the estimate was more than my car blue booked at they would probably total it out giving me the blue book value & be done with me. she also asked if i wanted to keep the car. i said i did, i wanted to fix it.
now, my understanding was if they totaled out my car & i kept it i wouldn't be intitled to a rental. which really sucked cos that meant i'd have to miss work to put it in a shop or be out the money to rent a car while it was being fixed. thats why hubby & i did the major clean up & tried to make it look as good as it could. everyone kept telling me they were gonna total it out cos that was how they were gonna screw me. even the lady on the phone from his insurance company kept stressing how the appraisor would probably total the car. i think she was preparing me for exactly that.
finally, the appraiser showed up at work last monday & took pics of my cherry baby from every angle. originally the lady on the phone had told me that he wouldn't need me but i called the gate first thing monday to let them know someone was coming in to look at my car. the person working the gate, being friends of mine, called to let me know when he did show up & of course, me being me, had to go out & meet him. it was him with his wife & i figured they planned on visiting after all was said & done. well, to make a longer story short i chatted them both up while he did his job & one thing lead to another they finally asked how much a membership actually cost. (this is when his wife finally got out of the car)
me 'we have several levels of membership' (...rattling off prices as i went)
him 'thats not bad at all, we love the place don't we honey?'
her 'i adore wandering around'.
him 'wanna just join'.
her 'i'll just write a check & we can bring the grandkids to the light show'.
me 'i can actually give you a price break. its an inside secret'.
him 'what kind of break can you give me'?
me 'well, we have a friends & family deal for 25% off. you are my friend, right?'
him 'of course, what does that make our price?'
me 'just over a hundred bucks'.
him 'sold'.
me 'lets walk in & i can print your cards up for you right now'.
i got the call from the insurance company on friday. the lady asked if i flirted up her appraisor. i said, no way, his wife was with him. she told me she didn't know what i did but he couldn't stop talking about me since he got back into the office. oh btw, she also said they were cutting a check for my repairs & just give them a call when i needed that rental.
you can really catch more flies with honey.
and i'm full of honey.