Saturday, April 29, 2006

Hating, Its Not Just For Hubbies Anymore

we have the twins this weekend. its been awhile since we've seen them. last tuesday they turned 4 years old so we're doing a party this weekend for them. mojo, their mother emailed me last week to tell me how sonny wasn't consistent enough in his visitation with them. i pissed her off by emailing back that he has been with the same woman & in the same home since we've known her but she has had 6 different homes & 3 different boyfriends. how could she knock his life when theres no consistency in her own? personally, i think the only consistency any of them have is here. even if i do hate my hubby the kids don't see any of that.
snarky has gotten hold of another pair of scissors & cut the shit out of her hair. it now doesn't even reach her shoulders & hers was the longest of the 3 girls.
speaking of cutting hair. honey took a pair of clippers to jammer & it looks like shit too. theres nicks to the scalp in some places & basically looks like she put a bowl on the top part. while she was fucking up everyones hair she cut about 7 inches off ixxies too. turns out 3 out of 5 days last week she came home with lice. the school is supposed to check their hair every friday but when honey complained they told her it wasn't their problem. she wants me to write a letter to the school board. what do you say to a school board that has a lice problem? she comes home with lice at least once a week. any ideas? 'dear school board, i would like to request that you take a moment out of the school day to investigate your lice problems.' sounds kinda lame to me.
i've felt like my head has been itchy most of the last year. you know that feeling you get, like somthing is crawling through your hair everytime you hear the word lice? i've actually cut alot of length off my hair too. i've kept it about shoulder length since ixxie started school. nobody has found lice or nits in my head but that nagging feeling is always there. once i get an itch in one spot it seems like it crawls through my head till it makes the rounds. how many times have you scratched since you started reading?
ewww, i hate lice, roaches & hubbies.
haha, they all seem to fit into a catagory for me. my i hates.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Another Chapter

remember a while back when i was doing my 'i hate hubby' posts & mentioned theft? well, tonight is the night to go into why he's #6....a thief. he's my hubby, therefore, i consider all the money to be ours. not mine...not his....ours. he keeps a portion of his check in cash, the rest we do our daily living on, pay bills & just whatever comes up. i don't usually carry cash cos i have the debit card. my check is directly deposited into the account. back when we were first married we didn't have a bank account due to lack of money. we literally lived from paycheck to paycheck so we never had anything extra. we really didn't need it yet, so, we bought money orders for the bills. at one point i had 2 money orders in my purse for bills. specific bills that were in desperate need of being paid when all of a sudden one of them turned up missing. now, i keep a pretty close eye on my purse so, not a lot of people had access to it. hubby, sonny & myself were mostly the trusted ones. occasionally my mom might pick up my purse & go through it but, come on, mom might ask me to explain what some battery operated gizmo was i knew for a fact she'd never steal from me. she knew if she ever needed anything i could help her with all she had to do was ask. when the money order turned up missing the only people that had access to my purse were the 4 of us. when i mentioned the missing money order sonny said nothing. hubby mentioned a few other people that had been in the house. i really didn't know what to think. i chewed it over for a few weeks & didn't mention it but the whole time hubby kept coming up with scenarios that 'could have been'. he had more ideas about how it might have gotten stolen than i had ever even imagined. naturally, my subconscience told me that he was way too concerned over laying blame. you know the 'me thinks he doth protest too much' thing? the more what ifs he came up with the more i leaned toward suspecting him. one night i decided to clear the air & began on both he & sonny about how dirty it was for someone i trusted to steal from me. no matter who it was i just felt really disillusioned & vulnerable, hurt, cheated, exposed, unappreciated, worthless, let down, every feeling i could name. i tried everything to make someone confess. finally, hubby broke down on a drunk binge one night & admitted to taking the money order. he couldn't begin to explain why he took it or what he did with the money but take it he did. and this was after trying to lay it on sonny.
i had a friend that had hocked a 12 string accoustic martin guitar (worth about $1200.00) cos he needed money so bad. i got the guitar out of hock for him with the promise that when he came up with the $100.00 bucks i paid for it he could have it back. one day it disappeared. i asked hubby about it & he said he took it to his brother for new strings & a tune up. finally, after about 2 months i was on the phone with my b-i-l & asked about the guitar. he didn't have a fucking clue what i was talking about. when confronted, hubby admitted that he, yet again, hocked the guitar. again, he couldn't tell me what he did with the money. the topper!!!! yes this gets even better. i had several cd's that i had collected. xmas gift, birthday gifts, a few i had bought myself, but mostly gifts that meant something to me. i kept them in a cd case that held about 24 cd's. the damn thing was pitched around on a regular basis from car to car or room to room so i was in it often. one day a friend asked to borrow a tracy chapman cd & i went to get it. the cd case was just as heavy as it had always been when i picked it up. i opened it to find nothing but books packed in it. nothing but books where my most cherished cd's had always been kept. this all happened at the same time so we're talking some money by now. hubby confessed to this right away. there was nobody else in the house to blame it on.
he quit his 2 jobs shortly after we got married. i was kinda disappointed in this but he blew his car up & didn't really have transportation to get to either of them. he said he could find something closer to home & he could do it pretty quickly. that turned into about a year of looking. when he finally went to work it was for a drunk. or someone that didn't care if he drank while on the job. one of the guys he went to work for only drank on the job cos his wife insisted he wasn't allowed to drink at home. needless to say i didn't see alot of money from that, between him spending it before he got home & those that didn't ever pay him for some reason, never quite understood that one. it took everything i made to pay bills during this time. i mean we just barely ate to pay bills. so when he wasn't planning on working one day he volunteered to take care of the bills. remember we didn't have a checking account so it was cash or a money order. this time i didn't have money for the money order so it had to be cash.
when he didn't come home that night i worried. when i didn't hear from him the next day i panicked. i called his mother. she had heard from him & it wasn't good. apparently over the last few years he had gotten several dui's, had lost his license & was stopped that friday for another dui & was sitting in the county jail. when i went to visit him in jail he assured me he had paid all the bills before he went drinking but the car he had been driving was parked on a main street with parking meters so we really needed to get it home. when his mother & i finally found the car it had already collected several parking tickets. turned out this was his 3rd dui in 2 years.had enough yet? wondering why i'm still in this relationship? yeah, me too.
how many bills went unpaid, you ask. all of them. how many did he look me in the eyes & swear he paid? all of them. i tried to believe him but the disconnection notices spoke for themselves. he never did admit to that one. but i'm obviously self abusive cos i stayed thinking maybe this would stop his destrucive behavior. he comes from good, hard working people. he has a solid education & he's alot of fun when he's not drinking. he's far from stupid & his sense of humor mirrors mine almost exactly. like most couples we finish each others sentences & when one of us says something sometimes its in stereo. in my defense remember i was young. we were newlyweds. i didn't want to admit defeat. yet. over the years its been one thing after another. in looking back i realize i've put up with more shit out of this man than anything or anyone i've ever put up with in my life. to make matters worse i have absolutely no clue why. now. is it because i've gotten lazy? is it because i've killed so many brain cells? have i just accepted what i have as the best its gonna get? have i settled for a second best life? have i accepted defeat? am i defeated?
am i?

Monday, April 17, 2006

Living The Lie

i woke up before the kids on easter morning. hubby woke before all of us & it was quite obvious when i walked into the room. he was drunk. he walked through the house bumping into everything in his path. i asked how he could be so drunk already. on easter.
his reply. i'm not.
hello!!! have you noticed how you're walking?
i'm walking fine. i told you i'm not drunk.
come on. i know you & i can tell when you're drunk. hell, you're eyes don't even focus on me when you look at me. i know they call it a disease but honestly when we have plans to do something on a holiday i would think you could apply a little self control. i mean you can drink without getting falling down-smash into the walls drunk.
(getting loud) i'm not drunk.
the kids woke up. time to start the easter thing. fight was on but for the time being it had to be on hold.
throughout the morning every word i said was met with an argument. breakfast....a smartass remark. finding contribution. hiding eggs.....a fiasco. it was one thing after another. i let him pass out with the kids when they laid down to take naps in the afternoon. when he woke up i informed him it wasn't over. there was still lots to discuss. he didn't know what i was talking about. he'd forgot everything that happened that morning.
how could you forget that argument if you weren't drunk?
i wasn't drunk & i didn't say anything derogative at all this morning.
what? what? who was i fighting with then?
must have been your imagination.
i don't think so. you were so drunk you forgot the conversation.
i don't have any alcohol how could i be drunk?
you have alcohol you just have it hidden.
where? you tell me where?
give me 2 seconds & i bet i can find it.
so i went into the laundry room where his favorite hiding spot has been lately. i started at one end of the room & started checking closets, separated piles for washing, boxes & shelves. finally, i came to the shelf that has extra clean clothes that just won't fit into a drawer. he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me & asked me to come back into the room.
you're not gonna find anything. i don't have anything. just come back into the room & stop this.
i don't think so. i think you're lieing to me.
i'm not. i swear. theres nothing here to find.
just about that time my hand fell on exactly what i knew i would find.
except, it wasn't the little bottle i was expecting. nooooo, it was a gallon bottle tucked sweetly & lovingly between the jeans & the sweaters.
so, what is this?
no shit? i didn't even know that was there.
no shit my ass.
i wonder how long its been there. i swear i didn't know it was in here.
ok. i've had enough of this little charade. i actually saw you drinking from it when you woke up from your nap. but now that you've buried yourself is there anything you'd like to add?
nope. nothing.
well, thanks for nothing. its not gonna end here though. i've got plenty to say when the kids leave.
after they left i told him i didn't understand how he could look me in the eyes, hug me up & swear to a lie. thats not love. i'm tired of the loveless marriage, the lies & deceit.
i'm opening a savings account in my name. the money will come from my check but i'm saving for a divorce. i'm done.
wish me luck & if you know a divorce lawyer that will work for peanuts on a payment plan. i need a name. quick.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Here Comes Peter Cottontail

happy easter everyone!!
hope yours was wonderful.
mine sucked...
great big cannon balls through a garden hose.
2 quesses why & if the first 2 are drunk hubby then you win the booby prize.
more on that tomorrow. i can't stand to go into it right now.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

After Midnight

today... at 3 minutes & 2 seconds after 1am our numbers will be 1:02:03, 04-05-06 & that will never happen again. cool? once in a lifetime? no, it happens with different dates all the time but how many times do we notice it? definitley the only time it will happened with this date. its not like i'll ever sit down to figure a thing like that out but this was one that was pointed out to me in advance.
should we play these numbers in the lottery?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Just A Streakin

guess what i got to do. i was invited to go on a 'behind the scenes tour' at our infamous zoo to check out the elephants. let me tell you, this was the coolest thing i've ever been involved in! they showed me the poop shoot that was about 3 feet in diameter. they showed me the elephants room. they showed me the okapis room. they showed me the giraffes room. then they got serious....they let me pet the okapis. they let me pet the elephants. they let me feed all the animals. then they let me bathe an elephant. man, this was the coolest day!
i actually, almost, got felt up by an elephant. talk about groping hands we're talking about a 3 foot trunk that went just where it wanted. one girl had a skirt on that had an elastic band. the elephant actually pulled her skirt off. seriously people, i am not making this shit up.