Monday, November 08, 2004

Conclusions, Circumstances and Confessions

with the election over will the world ever just settle down again? i mean it isn't just here in the usa, it's everywhere. i read blogs sometimes at random & jeez, everybody is bitching. and how do people clear across the world know what all to bitch about? i mean down to tiny little pieces of information that even my hubby didn't know. (he reads everything he can get his hands on). people seem to be most upset with the fact that bush won the election. lets face it. both parties put on a good (as in how nasty can i get) show from the opposite views they had, right down to the slam campaign both got into. and i'm not just talking about the running candidates people. personally, i am just really tired of hearing it over & over. the way i see it, its over & we have the next 4 years to pull together & choose a couple of brand new running mates to represent us. lets just get to the business at hand.
with the end of the election i've come to a few conclusions.
1. i'd like to see pay go up, taxes come down & our soldiers home safe where they belong with no war to worry about.
2. people have every right to live however they want but if they know someone doesn't appreciate seeing it then should they flaunt it? i've accepted that nobody wants to watch me rub all over my husband so, i respect them by restraining myself when i'm in their presence. i have a gay sister. u know what? she's a human being & has every right to live however she wants. that doesn't mean she's gonna go down to the corner & plant a big ole lip lock on her mate. that means if she wants to marry that girl she does it in a private ceremony with their close friends & family & they make their own commitment to each other. isn't that what everyone does? we all know there are ways around everything & this amendment thing isn't gonna change that. there will always be someone out there to help us with whatever we want to do. u just have to find them. and voila!! u can be a man instead of a woman. viola! u can be married to the same sex. viola! we can have a new president.
viola! i can disappear.
now with that said, let me get on to this beautiful life of mine.
3. have u guys figured out that there is some pun going on here? when i first started this blog my main incentive was to remember everything there was to remember about jammers growing years. i hadn't thought about what other contents i might add, how honest i might get or how many hits i might get. i sent out 2 invitations to my blog. one to my mom & one to my hubby. i have even mentioned this before. neither of them ever responded & i know hubby has only hit it a few times. mom i believe just deleted the email without ever giving it another thought.
since then, i've reached the point where some of my internal rage has gotten the better of me & i've lashed out at things i think suck. i've still tried to keep it mild but why keep up any kind of farce? i'm only hiding from myself at this point. u don't care what i say. mom doesn't see it & hubby ... well, he knows how i feel. i've always been a bitch. and he knows that better than anyone. so, if i put anything in here he doesn't like he can invite himself right out of here. truthfully mom was the only one i ever really worried about. i've still kinda got her buffaloed. she's not my birth mother. she is my fathers 2nd wife. i've known her since i was 9 years old & i think i've always called her mom. she doesn't know what a bitch i am. she knew me as a child, when she thought of me as a sneak, trying to get away with what i wanted (not that i ever did. i always got busted), trying to teach me right from wrong. she knows that she did teach me to love god first & believe in his will, that i love my family & that i can't stand my hubby for the most part. and thats about it. she really doesn't know me. she for sure does not know the language that i am capable of these days. she does not realize that fuck is a common word in my life, that i have had a 'menage-a-toi' or that i was ever molested as a child. i would like to keep her safe from ever knowing these things about me. i look at my life as the experience it has been & i've taken it in stride. i've lived in some pretty rotten places. i've had some pretty rotten experiences. i've known some pretty rotten people. but it's still all my life. if i don't put it down somewhere someday i may be too braindead to remember all i've known & that would be a waste. cos some of it has been pretty fantastic. we all have our crosses to bear. i don't want to forget any one of them.
someday my son & his family may want to remember me after i'm gone. this is as good as any to let them see the real me. after i'm gone.
i've been thinking about death. can u tell? not like its coming anytime soon but that its coming. i've come to the conclusion that i don't want to die. at least, in the frame of mind i'm in right now. maybe when i'm older & more miserable i'll be ok with it. but as long as i can get out of bed, dress myself, walk & maintain some level of dignity i don't want to die. i'd also like to be more at peace. with myself.
after my grandson was born i went in for a complete physical. just to make sure i didn't have any surprises right around the corner. they found that i might be border line diabetic but that was the extent of it. oh, i also have sleep apnea. as long as i keep these things under control i'm in no danger. i can't really explain why i've been thinking about all this so much. but i'm pretty sure this train of thought is the result of all this election crap i've endured.