Saturday, October 11, 2008

My Point In Life

it would be so nice to have the simpleness of a child. jammer was telling me about the school losing him. he had no fear but was having a great time in the new classroom. they were doing things his class wasn't allowed to do so he jumped right in clueless to the havoc his disappearance was creating. wouldn't it be nice to not have a care in the world? isn't it a shame that the first thing we think of is someone stealing our kids & taking them to do whatever ungodly thing that could be done to them? he lives in such a protected world where theres nothing more to worry about than getting to play with the new puppies or beating his sister to the playstation. i was so relieved that he was safe & thankful that he wasn't a victim of some horrendous crime that all i wanted to do was cry. and hug the stuffings out of him. this weekend i get to shower him with all the relief & huggins all by himself. i'm eating this time up! i love it when ixxie goes somewhere else for the weekend. her absence always makes such a big difference in the time we can spend with jammer. she's a very demanding little girl & way too high maintainance for her age. everything is a fight when she's around. she has to be first at everything & always the best!!! if you don't brag on her she goes off to cry or pout for hours. god forbid jammer gets a drink that she didn't get or an apple that she wasn't offered first. i don't understand why, her being the big sister, she isn't more thoughtful of him but she doesn't get why he's the one more babied. i can't get it through her head that he IS the baby. mommy & daddy will never have any more & he's my last chance at babying anyone. i'm sorry that she's not my baby. i'm sorry that she didn't know the love that jammer has known since birth but thats not my fault. she wasn't a part of our family when she was a baby. i don't point these things out to her because i don't want to hurt her but i can't change life. i can't change her life. i can change who she is by sharing my love with her now but i'm tired of taking away from him cos she didn't get to experience this from the get-go. i feel sorrier for jammer cos he's had to take a back seat to her for most of his life just because she was so screwed up when we first met her. now she's alittle older i'm trying to get her out of that demanding attention 24/7 & accepting that there are other people that need things too. and its jammers turn to be the main attraction. my main attraction! my last baby! my only grandson! and he is the apple of my eye. i'm not gonna apologize for that. to anyone.


Tammi said...

Hey chic-a-dee,
How old did u say Ixxie is?
Well,geez,I know what you mean in so many ways!!
My youngest daughter stays pissed at me cuz I suppose I DO give my first grandbaby A'million more attention,I keep him as often as possible....but there is some sort of wall that my youngest daughter has built between us,and she feels that I am an awful G-Parent cuz I take A'million all the time.Truth is,my older daughter calls me constantly and she LET'S me get A'million anytime.Hence leaving Kalon(my younger daughter)sooo jealous.I can't help but to be a bit partial.I know what you mean.Circumstances may be a tad different,but the outcome is they think we are being cruel.Kalon will leave my youngest g-babe with a total stranger before me,just because of some past stuff that would take me too long to explain.
But Ixxie should try and understand that Jammers is the caboose.The baby,and naturally the babies get a little more attention.
But I know you.You let her know she's loved too.
Don't feel guilty.You have enough love to spread around.It's just smaller ones require a bit more attention.

Walker said...

Itswhat happens when life steals our innocence from us.
When we are kids we don't thionk of people hurting us but as we get older we loose that and live in fear instead

Tammi said...

You sure said a mouthful chief.
Hey lil missy...where ya at?
What cha' doing? I think it's sooo neat that your younger daughter is named "Kalon"! My youngest daughter is also named "Kalon".Same way you spell yours.My Kalon's Dad is Kelon.So we sorta named her after his sorry no good for nuttin ass.Of course I never expressed that to Kalon(the sorry ass stuff)'s a shame she had to grow up and see for herself,and come and tell me"Mom,my Dad is a loser"!!!
I have yet to find ANYONE besides you that has a "KALON".
That's just too neat-o,huh?
Love ya gal!