Thursday, September 03, 2009

Good Times Under The Crescent Moon

once upon a time there was a man named warbo. he was a very sweet guy, younger than me but ran with our older crowd. he was short, stocky & covered in fur. honest, from the top of his head all the way down to his flat feet. this man had more hair than anyone i've ever known in my life. he looked like he wore a thick angora body sweater. i once asked him where his neck ended & his body began cos i seriously couldn't tell. he shaved his neck that night so you could tell the difference. it didn't help much. then he just looked like an angora body sweater with a beige stripe. then he shaved his beard & wow, what a difference! he had one. a face that is. i guess in his line of work things like appearance & being deemed 'human' didn't matter much to him. at least until some girly girl pointed out to him she couldn't tell if he was man or monkey.
he was a truck driver by trade. i think he drove a truck so he could have access to the very best weed you could ever find. back then making friends in our group was alot easier if you had good weed.
although i did nothing to encourage him this guy swore he was in love with me. i never felt that way about him & i know i broke his heart but when its not there you can't do much about it. i did care about him as a friend & i kept introducing him to my girlfriends hoping one of them would take the weight off my shoulders & make him fall in love with them. it just wasn't in his stars. the one girlfriend i thought would really fit the bill was a cutiepie named janie. we called her 'janie no name' cos we couldn't pronounce her last name. they knew each other for about 3 weeks when he asked her out & she said she'd love to but she didn't have anything really nice to wear so not to take her to anyplace expensive. he took her shopping & bought her an entire outfit. right down to shoes & a purse. then put her on a plane & flew her to new orleans for mardi gras for the weekend. they dated for about 6 months before he let her up for air & started introducing her to his circle of friends. unfortunately that was the end of them. she wound up marrying his best friend. i failed miserably at my matchmaking for poor warbo.
after he & janie no name split i felt really guilty so i hung with him alot for awhile. one night about a dozen of us went to red lobster for dinner. warbo, me & even janie no name with her new boyfriend all had a great time making as much noise as we could while getting drunker & drunker after our meal. we finally got kicked out of red lobster so we decided to go downtown to continue our partying. we smoked so much dope that night, not to mention all the drinking, i could barely stand up let alone walk. finally we decided to head back to our own neck of the woods. we live about an hours drive out of the city so on the way home i got this ferocious need to pee. we were only about half way home & they decided we were going farther out to a late night bar that another friend owned so we could keep on partying. i couldn't hold it to make it any further so i demanded we pull down a lane leading to the river to let me go pee. janie agreed she could stand to go too & the guys finally gave in to our demands. warbo pulled into a long dark lane that wasn't traveled much & backed in to an area that lead to a field. we didn't have much room between us & the gate leading into the field so janie veered off to the left & i went directly behind the car. as drunk as i was i figured between the fence & the car i would be safer squatting if i had something to hold on to. there was a faint red glow all around me from the taillights. i faced the fence & squatted a bit to pull my panties down & clung to the gate.
i heard the giggling from inside the car & didn't think much about it. who knows what makes men giggle? i went ahead & started taking care of my business. considering i was feeling like an overfilled water balloon i peed & peed. it felt like it was taking forever to get done. i'm sure this all happened a lot faster than it felt like but we all know being drunk tends to make your senses all go into slow motion. all of a sudden the area lite up like a football field! during half time! needless to say i was blinded & slow in moving & all of a sudden my ass felt like it was on fire. what happened, you might ask? well, seems warbo & his buddy decided they'd give us more light since it was taking us so long. he had put the car in reverse while holding his foot on the brake pedal. explains the light, right? my ass feeling on fire? when he put the car in reverse it jumped back enough that the double mufflers were sitting on my right cheek. although it took a minute hot wasn't the word for it! thanks warbo, for the memories. i could never forget you. to this day, i still have 2 crescent moon shaped scars on the right side of my ass. just in case you were wondering.