A Plea

i've already told you i was ready to make the change. this past weekend was a real eye opener. i'm tired of living like this. but above & beyond i refuse to expose my grandkids to this kind of life any longer. they really don't deserve it & i don't want them to think that living like this is ok. i don't want them to think putting up with a mean drunk is the best they can expect. fuck that, not just a mean drunk but any kind of drunk, any kind of shit they don't want to deal with is totally unacceptable. i want to teach them to think for themselves & stand up for themselves. nobody should have to accept the unacceptable. friends, this is unacceptable!
hubby made them all miserable this weekend. everytime he opened his mouth he did nothing but make them cry. all of them! jammer was so frustrated with him that he gritted his teeth while he asked him to 'please, just let me talk to memaw.' a 3 year old child & he was trying so hard to control his hatred that he clenched his fists & gritted his teeth while he tried to maintain his respect for the adult in his life. i was so proud of him for being such a big guy. on the other hand i felt so sorry for all of them all i could do was love them extra hard & ask hubby to please just let us all be.
hubby refused to let them take toys to the tub. he stood in the doorway & blocked one twin because she wasn't carrying her own pj's. even though the twin behind her carried all the pj's. he wanted to send them to the corner for every little thing. they all have colds & felt bad but that didn't mean anything to him. he was so....man, i can't even put it into words. he didn't have a nice word for anyone.
PRICK!
today i told him we needed to talk & reminded him of several things this weekend. i told him i stopped on the way home & opened a savings account & i would only use my money but a divorce was inevitable. he said he knew, he had read my blog. but, hello, he was drinking when i got home. a whole lot of effort is going in here. he answered that suicide was on his mind. not at his own hands but in his half wake state & in his dream thats what he invisions. am i supposed to feel remorse cos his dreams are about suicide? am i supposed to put up with his sorry ass because he is so out of control that he imagines his death & i guess, how it could happen? sorry, but the last 5 years of my life i've felt like i was dead inside anyway. the only thing that has made me feel even like coming home is to watch after my animals & fridays are the only day i look forward to coming home cos the kids will be here. then to have them put up with his meanness. no way! no more! no sorry!
DAVID, I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS COS THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A WHOLE NEW LIFE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I HATE YOU & EVERYTHING YOU'VE PUT US THROUGH? I DON'T CARE IF YOU CONTEMPLATE DEATH COS LIVING WITH YOU, I'M AS GOOD AS DEAD ANYWAY? THAT MY GRANDCHILDREN DON'T DESERVE TO EVEN KNOW THE HATRED THAT IS YOU?
our lives will be so much better once you are out of it. so, go ahead, dream of your suicide. hell, make plans if thats what you want to do. just please, leave us out of it. leave us out of your daydreams & your life.
go away, please.