Faults And Fixations

does blogger know when i am at my most vulnerable? i think they must have a camera attached to this site cos when i'm at most vulnerable is when they seem to lose my post. i pour my heart out, ask for advise & it never fails, i lose the post.
the good thing is i have come to the conclusion that i needed anyway. i needed to think my brain through & accept my own conclusions.
see, i've been feeling guily that i was not supportive enough of my husband & his attempts to quit drinking. i don't remember if it published but i had mentioned that he had asked the doctor for a medication to help him quit. i was feeling guilty about my support of his efforts but you know what? its not me. i've been to AA with him. i went through this seizure with him. i've let him know that whatever it takes to get through any of this i'd be beside him.
the thing is, although i'll support him through whatever he goes through, i still don't love him. not anymore. i loved him when i married him but the truth is....i've seen too much. no. i've been through too much...i've endured too much. i've lost my love, respect & most of all, my oneness with him. in the beginning, he completed me. he was my better half. after all the shit he has pulled, i just don't feel that 'love, honor & obey....yadda, yadda...stuff that i promised in the beginning. i've never pulled anything stupid on him. i've never made him go through a dui with me. i've never made him pay the bills. i've never made him be the responsible one. it was my home when he moved in. it was my bills. it was my job i had to get to. it was all my responsibilities. i had to get to work however i could, i had to pay the bills, i had to fix the faults in my home. i've never held him responsible but i've asked him to help me fix them. the most i've ever asked of him was when i went through a miscarriage. even then, he was with me in the hospital but to discuss anything afterward, he was never there for me. its like it never happened. lately, since he was the man of the home, i've left it to him in some cases. that was my downfall. i knew i couldn't count on him to take over but with my supervision i've expected him to help me. i expected too much. my home, my car, my bills, my yard, my shed, my dog, my bird, my everything was too much for him. i knew he had a bigger picture for himself. he wanted a woman that was self-sufficient. i was that woman but i was looking for someone to help me. he was not that man.
i feel guilty that he has to go through this. but it isn't my fault he became a drunk. it isn't my fault that he can't handle these responsibilities. he isn't my fault.
its taken me a minute to get this all in prospective. i think i have now.
he is not my fault.
later