Life And Love...And Sometimes Dreams

oohh, ow, & ouch! can your ouch hurt? i know my don't feel good hurts but what about my ouch? its raining & that makes everything hurt. i hate old. i'm old. i used to be getting old but i've finally climbed that hill & i'm well on my way down the other side. its days like this that i know from the inside of my body out that i'm old. my body feels like i've slammed it in a vise. my arms even ache today. could this really be from the cold rain? i love the rain. how am i gonna deal with loving the rain if it hurts me like this?
winter is well on its way. we haven't had any of the 's' word yet. i've seen pictures of other states that have already had it. my weather man tells me its hit close to me but not quite in my area yet. he's already threatening me with it. if the rain hurts me what the hell is the snow gonna do this year? ugh, i said the 's' word. i don't even want to think about it.
i've started the costumes for halloween. big guy wants to be spiderman. thats easy. i just went ahead & bought that costume. he was having bad nightmares so i bought the outfit & told him he was stronger than the monsters so if he wore this to bed he could kick some monster butt & not have to be afraid. he still hasn't had a nightmare to date.
i have a twin that wants to be a beautiful woman with a purse, a cell phone & makeup! lots of makeup. she wants to wear a princess dress. i'd love to turn her loose with the stuff she needs & let her do it herself. just to see what she would come up with.
the other twin wants to dress as a brat. boy could i dress her as a brat & give her some pointers on how to act. just watch ixxie for the best brat moves. she's got them down pat!
then ixxie wants to be aurora from 'sleeping beauty'. i have most of that done. i just bought the lace to add to the dress & make her arms out of this past weekend. i measured her for the lengths too.
i also borrowed my friends sewing machine. its a really good one or so she tells me. i haven't had the pleasure of using it yet. i'll let you know when i do.
ML, you asked a really tough question. its taken me a while to brain think that one through. i think what it comes down to is 1.) i'm old. (see above) i was about your age when i hooked up with him & at that time he was holding down 2 jobs. he seemed to be the most considerate, thoughtful, sweet man i'd ever met. keep in mind i had been single since i was 24. i dated lots of guys after my first husband passed away. i weighed everything about each one with a pro/con list. hubby seemed to fit the bill perfectly. that was after 15 years of shopping. i thought i'd seen every con. 15 years later i hate the thought of starting over. what if the next one does the same thing after 15 years?
boy, if i knew then what i know now. now, i know i wasn't as smart as i thought i was. now, i know a man really will say or do anything to get what he wants. integrity has nothing to do with it.
2.) he can take half of everything i own. my home, cars, bank account, 401k, retirement fund, everything. i made an appt. with a lawyer & she told me nothing was safe. i think this is the biggest thing.
3.) his parents have way more money than me & they'll help him to fight for that half.
4.) does stupid count?
cos if it does let me reiterate! stupid, stupid, stupid.
i look back on our dating days & i still don't see what i missed. there was no indication that things would turn out like this. i never saw the drinking taking over. and i swear i never saw a mean bone in his body.
my mom says that the meanness comes with the drinking.
5.) when it comes down to ending it. i'll have to be the one to leave my home. over the last 5 years i've begged him to leave. i've had his clothes packed for 2 whole years begging him to leave. he lived out of those boxes & refused to leave. the only way to make him leave would be to file the divorce, have him served & make arrangements for the police to escort him out when he's served. that was the lawyers advise.
i'm not as strong as i used to be. i've never had someone that i couldn't win against. until now. i think i'm beat. i know i'm tired of fighting for what i want to be perfect & i know i'll never have that perfect.
as it stands i at least know what to expect. when i'm really unhappy i just leave the room. when he's in the living room...i go to the bedroom. if he comes in the bedroom i go to the living room. in the hallway i skinny up to one side & in the bed i do the same. i know how to avoid him.
one of my favorite movies is 'war of the roses'. it reminds me of me. maybe someday i'll get fed up & just not be able to take it anymore.
i spend alot of my time in a dream world. in my dream world i have the perfect man & he loves me. he thinks of me & respects my opinions. he wants to be with me sober & he wants to make love to me. we love to cuddle & talk. we always touch & we always do little things for each other. sometimes when i get home from work i just sit in the car & close my eyes so i can picture this perfect love. i feel the sun on my face & imagine its him stroking my face.
i don't flinch.
later.