Pictures For You

in going through the boxes nipper has come across a few other things. i wanted to share this one with you. the group picture is my mommy (pregnant with me) on the left sitting on my uncle wes' lap with her sister ceelie. grandma is standing behind them. the single picture is my mom.
Isn't she pretty?

Just Hateful

i'm getting ready to tear my pc apart again. theres always new & upgraded things i want. except my operating system. nobody understands why i stick with windows 98. i find it easy to use & the kinks have been worked out of it. for me thats great. i have 2000 at work & we are constantly being bombarded by virus' & spyware. i'd rather stick with something i can control. i do have a copy of windows 2000 on another computer but i don't care much for it so i don't use it. but i have a few new programs i want to add. so bear with me. ok?
i've got a question for you... how can he be at the other end of the house & still be on my nerves? he's watching football all the way at the other end of the house & still yells loud enough that i hear him in the living room. i finally shut the door the last time i went down the hallway. how would he like it if i yelled loud enough to hear me down the hallway everytime jennifer aniston slam dunked her boyfriend in 'the break up'? which is what i'm watching in the living room. NOT! i threatened him with the duct tape to shut him up. you all know how much i love the duct tape. god only knows where i might stop if i have to tape his shit shut. or if i would stop. i think it would be beneficial to me to just tape his shit shut all the way around. i would at least get to enjoy the movie i'm watching.
he pretty much ruins everything for me.
in the beginning, when i first hooked up with him, i loved to watch football. i used to have football parties on sunday & watched faithfully to support my hometeam. but after watching game after game with no end in sight i finally conceded that i wasn't that much of a football fan if it meant that i watched one game after another, all day long, to show my support, then my support was lacking. i like to support my team but thats all i need to do. i don't need to know every score..from every game..from everyday..all day long. he killed my enthusiasm for the wonderful game of football to the point of hating to watch football at all.
but it wasn't only football. it became an all day...sports thing...any sports...all sports...day in....day out...all sports!....all intense...all control...all hateful...as far as i'm concerned.
now, i would rather take a very long walk or drown myself instead of having to watch the sports shit with him.
isn't that pitiful?
how can one person make you hate something that bad? live with my husband for a week. he'll figure it out.
laatttteeerrrr.

The Younger Years

something cool happened. i mentioned my blog as my diary in my last post. yesterday i went to moms for a thanksgiving get together. nipper was there & she had brought my pictures to return to me. she also had gone through some old boxes she had stored & came across a diary of mine. i don't know how she wound up with it. i think she had stored boxes for my mom that she found it in. it covers the 13-16 years, so, last night i sat down to read through it. it brought back soo many memories. vividly! people i had forgotten, feelings i'd had, things that had happened, boys i'd kissed & gone steady with, friends i knew, pj parties with my friends, fights, birthdays...i remembered them like yesterday. it kinda gave me back a piece of me that i had lost. i guess that sounds silly but i love having my diary. i wanted to sleep with it. i didn't because i'm not 15 anymore but i didn't want to put it down. i fell asleep (minus the diary) & had dreams of things that made me feel all warm & tingly. kinda horny. hahahaha. long time no feel horny. thats kind of a lost feeling and i was a virgin when i was writing that diary. honest! i didn't start fooling around until i met sonnys dad in my junior year of high school. he wasn't mentioned once in the diary, cos it only covered up to 16, so i know it was before i met him. i can't explain it but i love having my diary. i think after i met him i was too busy spending time with him to even write in the diary. oh yeah, and doing the nasty.
i remember one time i locked the keys in the car. i skipped school to spend the day with him & we were in a hurry to get the nasty on. without thinking about how to get back in the car i was so worried about losing the keys in the woods. so, i locked them inside the car. duh, stupid. the minute the door closed i remembered i needed the damn things to get back in the car. needless to say, we did the nasty before we worried about getting back in the car. after all the damage was done. well, not all the damage cos we had to break a cozy wing to get back in. do you remember cozy wings? the little triangle shaped window on the old cars?
anyway, that was a blast from the past. you'll be hearing a lot more about my diary over the next few weeks. as i find the cool shit i'll be sure and share.
later.

Technorati

i thought this was a cool idea. Technorati Profile
Does anybody else link there?
later

Thanksgiving Memories

hey all. how was your thanksgiving? mine was great. great food, great friends & great family. in my opinion some of the coolest things happen on thanksgiving. everybody you see, whether they know you or not wishes you a happy thanksgiving. that gives me a happy, warm feeling.
snookie kissed me & said she was gonna rub it all the way into her heart. i told her that was such a good idea i would do it too. then i said 'poof, i felt it hit my heart & it feels so good.' tears welled up in her big eyes & she said, 'i love you so much, memaw, you make me so happy.' shes such a sensitive little girl with her great big eyes & her sweet little no-nonsense attitude. shes the middle girl in the picture. the twin in front of her is snarkie & ixxie is to the right.
they're all growing up so fast. i keep a camera handy so i won't miss anything. i want to always remember these little things. which is pretty much why i started this blog in the first place. now i can compare pictures with a diary of the day. nipper, my younger sister has a video camera & we have movies of the kids, too. when i'm old, gray & have altzheimers i'll be a little less lost because of them.
hopefully.
and they'll be a little less lost with memories of their lives.
hopefully.
getting old & helpless is a scary thing. i want to live a long time so i can see my grandkids have kids. i want to always be there to make them feel safe & loved. when i am gone i want them to think of me & get a warm, loving feeling in their hearts. i'm trying to make an impression that they'll never forget. not like my life that is like a haze. we moved so much that memories weren't ingrained in me like that. i can see pictures of me when i was younger & have no recollection of where i was or how old i was, let alone what was going on.
hold on, i'm getting dog-licked by jammer.
aahhhh, how refreshing. dog licks & kisses are two of the best things. don't you think? can you say slime me? thats ok, i got him back with a big ole dog-lick up the side of his face that went all the way into his ear. and now he's in trouble with papaw for swinging a pocket watch that spilled his soda.
memories. oh yes, great memories.
well, gotta get back to controlling the aliens. they are such busy little bodies.
later.

Name That Game

jammer & snarky both have a terrible cough. seems like they've had it forever. i put jammer in the tub friday night & noticed he had a rash on his butt & back. my poor baby boy woke up at 4:30am coughing so hard i thought he was gonna puke. i went to get his medicine & when i came back in the bedroom he cried, 'i can't do this anymore.' he broke my heart sounding so pitiful. by sunday he was covered with the rash & it looked just like measles. i know he's had his shots & thats supposed to keep them from getting measles but i've also known kids that did wind up with measles anyway & i thought sure he was one of them. when his daddy got here to pick him up i made him promise me he would take jammer to the doctor. i also emailed mojoe & asked her if she would please take snarky to the doctor. its about time to kick this cough. i made sonny feel so bad cos i asked how he could stand for his baby boy to cough like he was. sonny called me on monday to tell me he took him in & he was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. they said the rash was 'pityriasis rosea' & that he would have the rash for 2-6 weeks. they gave him an antibiotic & said there was nothing you could do for the rash...it just had to run its course. really weird. not all kids get it but its a result of the infection & they don't know what causes it. its very obvious for about 5 days then it goes away. it doesn't itch or anything & you can only see it again when they get hot from playing or bath after that. turned out snarky had the same respiratory infection & shes on medication too.
hubby got rip roaring drunk this weekend & fell a couple times. i can't understand him wanting to get so drunk that he falls like that. you have to know it hurts. i mean he ain't no spring chicken anymore. then he really pisses me off when he doesn't want to admit that he fell cos he was drunk so he lies & tries to pull some 'tightening' of his chest shit. what he didn't know was i was watching him & saw him lean forward & lose his balance. i played along with it for a minute, giving him an aspirin & let him lie there. but the longer he drug it out the madder i got. i really didn't want to go off in front of the kids. finally, i asked him if he really thought i was that stupid? i also asked if he thought it was ok for the kids to see this? is this what he wanted them to grow up thinking was the way to live? jammer sitting at their little table eating dinner looked at him & said, 'papaw, you better answer that right, i don't think she thinks its ok.'
wanna know some of the games we play here at lindyland? he had a gallon bottle of vodka in the fridge that he sucked on all day & everytime he left the room through the day i dumped a little of it out. he spent most of the day in the bedroom watching football & i had a sneaking suspicion that he had a bottle hid back there too. by the end of the night there was about an inch left in the bottle but when i came out the next morning it was half full again. i knew then i was right. he was working on 2 bottles at the same time just in different rooms. i call that one 'how sneaky am i?'
a new game we just got into is 'how many miles are on the car?' he called me at work & wanted to run up to pick up kerosene. i was on empty but i knew we were going right back out so i went straight home to pick him up first. we stopped on our way out & filled the tank. i also pushed the mileage button to see how many miles we were getting to the fillup. so, we got the k1, stopped at the video store & then krogers.
i didn't pay any attention till the next day when we got in the car. the mileage read 8.8 & i know krogers isn't that far. it was a hmmmm kind of thing but i didn't say anything. we were heading for krogers anyway so i thought i'd just check to see how far it was. when we got back up to krogers the mileage read 2.4 miles. fucker stole the car again & snuck up to the store to buy another fucking bottle of vodka since his backup was only half full. of course, i confronted him & pointed out the mileage & of course, he denied it. he likes to play 'thats my story & i'm sticking to it.'
my newest game is 'how much have i saved for a divorce.'
later.

Hell Week

here we go. another year...another dilemma. we're talking about thanksgiving plans. i hate to always be in the middle of this shit. mom can't decide what day to actually have the dinner cos she doesn't know who she wants to accomodate this year. see, i think its a who'll like me best contest. mom doesn't want my hubby to come cos she has her own drunk to deal with so, i don't count. besides i have my in-laws that i can go to. so does nipper, my next sister down. its no fun for mom if she isn't the only priority. we don't count cos she doesn't control the game rules with the 2 of us. sounds like a sick kind of game, huh? yeah, see why i created this funcdystional world of mine? damn, god just got me for being bad. i smushed my finger between the chair & the desk & its hurting like crazy. serves me right for questioning mommys perfect thanksgiving. have you ever seen the movie 'mommy dearest'? every holiday with my family makes me think of this movie.
so, wanna hear about the last 7 days of my wonderful world?
friday i came home from work to a drunk hubby wanting sex. yeah, thats just what i want. drunk sex! yahoo! is there any other kind? thats a rhetorical question, btw. there is, of course, but not in my life.
saturday about 5:30 am i woke to a thump & groaning. it wasn't in the bedroom. it wasn't in the bathroom. it was coming from somewhere down the hall. i walked through the house & found hubby on the kitchen floor. he was conscious this time. he told me he didn't know what happened or how he got there. i asked if he could get up & he wanted to just lie there for a minute. when i finally got him up & in the living room he was fine. but come on, you don't just fall down for no reason. could it be cos he got so drunk the night before? according to him he has a cold & he was just lightheaded. no way could the drinking have anything to do with him almost passing out & he was absolutely not going to the hospital. i'm beginning to think he likes falling down.
sunday..sonny calls me & wants me to bring the kids to him. remember now, i have 4 grandkids this weekend. i get them all fed & we pile into the car. driving the expressway (think about that for a minute. what are your speed limits on the expressway? ours are 65 mph in most places.) i start to feel something in the steering. like it starts feeling loose & i say, i'm pulling over something feels wrong. i start switching lanes to pull off on the emergency lane. i get into the 2nd lane from the side & my back drivers side tire flies off & we're riding on the metal wheel hub. sparks are flying 8 feet back & 10 feet high. cars are all around us flying by on both sides as i'm trying to get to the emergency lane. i have very little control but i get pulled off as far as i can get to the side, finally coming to a stop. thank god i was slowing down to pull off in the first place. a very nice guy pulls off behind us to offer help & lets me use his cell phone (i've gotta get one of those things) to call sonny. hubby jumps out of the car & starts running up & down the expressway to find the missing tire. he's crossing this expressway, people, in the dark, in dark clothes with traffic moving at least 65 miles per hour. i couldn't believe he was running back & forth across the expressway with his condition. seizures can be caused from blinking lights or repetitive motions. i am freaking out. he was gone for so long at one point that i actually dropped to my knees right there beside the highway & prayed that we would all please make it through this plight, alive.
monday..i found a sore lump in my breast. we are all taught to check ourselves & i feel at least once a month. this lump is about the size of a dime & it wasn't there the last time i felt. i called my doctor & he tells me sometimes they just dissapate on their own with no worry but i've never found a lump before so i made an appointment to have a mamogram.
tuesday..i started again. and if there could be any more blood...i would be o.j. simpson.
wednesday..we complained about our new office being too cold so h-vac brought us an electric heater. i plugged it in & immediately everything in the building went dead except the lights. when we flipped the circuit breaker back on my computer went into reload stage just like it never had a hard drive installed so i spent the entire day finding something to do.
thursday..i filled my car up on my way to work & by the time i got to work i was sitting on empty. $25.00 worth of gas & i was showing 55 miles traveled. i walked aroung the car & on the passengers side i found a fountain of gas spewing from under the car. when i got home hubby looked & says i sprang a leak in my gas line.
i'm almost afraid to even get out of bed tomorrow.
happy, happy, joy, joy!
what kind of week have you had? dog been hit? wrecked your car? house upchucked? if you can top my week, please, share...
hopefully, someone can give me some good news. i can't rely on my luck to inspire me.
xoxo, friends.
later.

Suggestions?

well, i woke up with great aunt rosie. the first few days are murder. to see the mess you'd swear someone had been murdered too. my back & legs are aching so bad i couldn't hardly walk. the wonderful cramps that come with all of it are to die for too! anyone know why god cursed us with this monthly ritual? how come the men couldn't have this, too? at least that would be fair. well, a little bit more fair anyway. it could be something we share & could talk about. right?
to say the least, i didn't make it to work today. i spent the day in bed & only got up to take more ibuprofen.
i need to get me in a better place. better health, better mind, just better everything all together. my entire stability is at stake here.
i hate my life. i hate my feelings, i hate my husband & i hate my mind. my mind being my worst enemy. when i wake up & hurt like this i want to invest in a total body workover.
i could have a face lift, lyposuction, a tummy tuck, lobotomy & a psychiatrist to put me all back in order again.
wanna know what set me off tonight? ms. m has been having seizures on a new scale. almost everynight now days & several times through the day. last night i mentioned maybe it was me when i got loud. maybe it was because she thought i was upset.
we were discussing opening a can of corn & where he could find a can of corn. ms. m started trembling like she does when she has her seizures.
immediately he starts telling me its cos i am being loud & she thinks i'm mad.
thanks for using my suggestion against me. thanks for making me feel like its my fault.
maybe he should go away & i won't be talking to anybody loud. hey, maybe i don't have to have someone in my house at all that she might misconstrue my volume of speaking with my perception of being upset.
how's that for a suggestion?
later.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

'you said the wrong thing papaw'
'toys go in the toy room, big guy.'
'you just said the wrong thing again, papaw'
this kid is getting too big for his britches. he actually thinks he's the boss. the rule is toys stay in the toyroom. thats why we created the toyroom. they all agreed that toys would stay in the toyroom if we made them a toyroom. i busted my ass to make that toy room. i was so tired of stepping on all the little toys. those suckers hurt when you step on them. little army men or dinosaurs that you can't see in a slightly dark room. man, when you step on them you sure know they're there cos they're stuck in your foot by then.
saturday we went to my nieces wedding reception. it was a great time. i tried to keep the kids under some kind of control but mom suggested i just turn them loose. 'they're with family, they aren't hurting anything, just let them have fun.' so, i did. they were hellions, running amuck, under everyones feet, climbing stairs, going in & out the doors. everytime jammer ran by me i grabbed him up & the first thing he yelled was 'i'll stop running memaw.' everytime i sat him down he took off running again. everyone told me how cute he was & how much like his daddy he was. he finally got to meet a lot of family that he'd never met before. including my brother that lives farther down in kentucky & never seems to be visiting at the same time i have the kids. sonny never visits anyone either. he's too busy working to support all of them & i guess the same holds true for my brother. its kinda crazy how the family never gets together like we use to when dad & my step mom were still married. speaking of dad, he was there with his new wife. it was good to see him. he looks happy but you could tell my step mom wasn't thrilled with the situation. everytime i noticed her dancing she was at the end dad sat at. when he was ready to leave she stood really close to the girls hoping he'd have to speak to her on his way out. he didn't, but her new husband was standing pretty close too. dad had a good buzz going maybe he didn't notice her but she couldn't take her eyes off him.
we got lost coming home. not exactly lost like going in the wrong direction. just one wrong turn & we wound up on backroads instead of major highways & it took forever to get back to something i recognized. needless to say we were up late.
sunday was a lazy day to recupe from what seemed to be the never ending drive home. my feet hurt from all the dancing & chasing so i treated them to a massage with a smell good lotion. the rest of my body got the icy hot. owww, old tired back & legs. old tired body. too bad calgon can't take me away anymore! for one theres too much to take & for two i can't find my damn calgon.
when sonny got here to pick up the kids he came in with a bag. he just had to show off his new cap. he's a ball cap fanatic. only his are all about hunting. well, he pulled out this bright orange hat with a camoflage leaf across one side of it. it was a pretty cool cap. he took the one he had off & handed it to jammer. 'you can have this one.' jammer handed it back to him. 'let me see that one.' he handed him the new hat & jammer said, 'wrong, wrong, wrong, you can have that one.' see he's getting to big for his britches.
sonny has to go to court tomorrow for child support again. i'm sure they want more money but hopefully with his new counselor he'll get some important key pieces of information in his files that has, so far, been omitted. like his 2nd family & lack of work during winter months. i wish him luck. court is never any fun.
k, gotta go. back to work tomorrow & pounding some more keys myself.
later.