Talk About Weirdness

i call my dad my 'sperm donor' because for my entire life he's been in my life but not really a part of my life. my step mom was always the verbal parent & dad was like the silent partner. he never said much & my memory of my dad was mostly of the punishment i received when i was bad. which, believe me only took for me to cross my eyes & turn around twice it seemed for me to be in trouble. honestly i think his only job where i was concerned was to whip me. never to talk..never to communicate whatsoever...just whip me. the disciplining was always my step mom but when it came time to punish me she turned it over to dad. i don't remember ever getting a hug from him. i don't ever remember sitting on his lap. (as a child) i don't ever remember him smiling at me. just whipping me. the whipping sticks in my mind cos it was always with a really thin little leather belt. i had to go upstairs to my room, pull my pants down, lay across my bed & wait for him to come for my whipping. seriously, that was the routine. he'd always leave welts, sometimes draw blood, but never just talk to me..always whip me.
the summer i turned 17 i moved out of his house & back to my moms. that was actually a pretty traumatic event, it involved a fight with my step mom (god what a story), another whipping but one i refused to take just lieing down. instead when i was told to go wait on my whipping, i went & packed my clothes & made the announcement on my way out the door that there would be no more whippings. i was done. my mom was waiting outside for me.
after i married my first husband i did let bygones be & i visited occasionally. i never asked for anything. i kept in touch but i kept my distance. (nippers best advise). my step mom always said he didn't like having us kids around. we were an intrusion in his life.
i don't know what to think now that he's remarried. since the birthday party we've been invited to come out & see him more often. the day after the birthday party i received an email from her that they were gonna go shopping & she needed sizes for the kids. SO THEY COULD BUY CLOTHES! later in the week she emails me & wants to know when we can get together to pick up these clothes they bought. his new wife says in this email 'he loved having you all out & has really missed you'. wtf? is he maybe just getting old & realizes the need for family? is it his new wife? is he getting senile & doesn't remember that he didn't want us around? was it my step moms words & not really dad? i'm confused!
he really did act like he was so glad to see us all. his new wife asked me to come out often & help them learn how to use their new computer. she's giving me a schedule of what weeks they are occupied with the traveling they do & when they'll be in town so we can get together. this is too weird. but i'm not getting too comfy with this new found family thing.
i'm going to see my aunt this friday. i'm telling on him for confusing me like this!
later.

Snap! Theres My Man

on monday my big guy started preschool. he rode a bus all by himself & left the safety of all he has ever known. you know what? he didn't shed one damn tear! i've only cried for a week cos this means he's growing up way too fast for me. ahhh, look at my big guy. getting on the bus. all by himself.
i wasn't there but his mommy told me how he climbed those steps onto the bus, introduced himself to the driver, shook her hand & took a seat. just exactly like the little man that i expected him to be. course, i knew leaving his mother behind wasn't gonna be a problem. (see..no tears?) he comes here every weekend & never gives her a second thought. his daddy on the other hand is a different story. luckily he was working out of state so big guy didn't have to deal. honey took pix of the whole ordeal. she wasn't given a choice. it was take pix or die! knowing her she didn't do the most important step of his 4 year old lifes hughest accomplishment justice. i've been pretty melancholy over this big step in his life & looking back through my photo albums of his daddy & his first day of school. he only cried a little as he told me he would miss me more than i would ever know. that was his exact words but when he saw that bus pull up with all those kids the tears disappeared & he got excited quickly. i talked to jammer monday night & he told me how much bumpier the road was being in the bus than in the car. he said he got to ride bicycles & had races & how ms. teachmeeverythingyouknow (from here on out will be known as ms. tmetyk) took pix of them. he said he got to color & tell a story about cayuga & the wolves that we made up. he had the best time & loved being in school. i hope he keeps this positive attitude & learns easily. the one thing i really can't believe is the fact that his blankie wasn't even thought about. i can't even put the damn thing in the wash without him staying on my ass every second that its out of his hands about how soon he can have it back. one time half way through the wash cycle he said he thought it was clean enough to go ahead & pull out. i asked him about drying it & he said he liked it wet just fine. i mean we can't do anything until he has this damn blankie in his hands. god forbid we can't find it for a minute. all hell breaks loose. so he traded in his blankie for a backpack & grew up on me. snap! just like that. overnight.
well, we'll just see about that. i have him alone this weekend. muwahahaha, memaws heaven.
later.

Newness

i wanted to share this with you. my new sister in law has discovered she is due on oct. 4. they don't want to know the sex of the child which is a good thing for a first pregnancy. the surprise when the doctor holds the baby up is one of the most awesome things i think a parent ever knows. i wonder if my mother & father in law will be in the room with them. i would love to be there to take pictures. i have pix of jammer as they pulled first one foot then the other & finally his butt out. step by step as he was removed from the cut in her stomach. he was breach for those of you that don't remember. for me that would be the most special thing i could ever do for them. they are good kids & i hope everything goes well for them. a new baby to love on for me. i can almost smell the new baby scent. i love the smell of newborns fresh from a bath. all the baby oil & powder is such a sweet scent. he looks so peaceful doesn't he? i'm waiting too for that first squall. he won't be so fucking peaceful then! later.

Sperm Donor At 70

My sperm donor just turned 70 years old. his new wifey, widget (i don't know why that came to mind but i think its fitting) threw a surprise birthday party for him. and it was a surprise. i don't think he had a clue until all the people that he hadn't seen in years started turning up one by one...carloads! dad isn't the sharpest tool in the shed so i'm not sure exactly when he caught on but i'm sure by the time he saw the birthday cake & everyone sang 'happy birthday' he was in on it. i think his sister & her oldest daughter showed up first & said they were there to see if he wanted to go the cemetary with them so as not to ruin the surprise before the rest of the guests showed up. well, being his birthday he declined that offer but shortly thereafter everyone & his daughters started pulling in & i think the light bulb might have started a dim twinkle. by the time sonny showed up he was in full birthday swing. little buzz going & all. he actually hugged sonny & started acquainting himself with great grandkids that he had only met once before...at midnight while they sat in the car. i didn't feel like he deemed the respect to get them out of the car. afterall we had waited for him to show up for hours while he sat at the top of the hill & acted like we didn't exist. back to the party though. it was actually a fun time. the kids loved getting to know him & he didn't let on that we were intruding on his life at all. he was a different man for the day. telling everyone he loved them & even being nice to honey. even if he couldn't remember her name. it was way too hot to ride horses & the kids were really disappointed over that but they still got to pet & feed them. they were cool with that. dad was pretty glad to see sonny & i was glad for that. after we left nipper said he talked to her about how glad he'd been to see us all, sorry over how stupid he acted & he was sorry he hadn't handled things better. i don't think he expected sonny to be as stubborn as he was. 2 wrongs do not make a right. thats been proven over & over. i don't know, maybe dad is just getting old. too bad you can't go back & change your mistakes but maybe he'll put a little more effort into being a grandpa & greatgrandpa than he did in just being a dad.
nahhh, he'll die a sperm donor.
later.

Great Times For Great Memories

last night we kept the kids up late so we could lay in the yard & watch the perseid meteor shower . it was so fun. actually, we only had 2 this weekend. jammer & ixxie & they told us that they had never seen a shooting star before so we told them they had to make wishes on them & not tell so the wishes would come true. we layed on a sheet in the front yard..held hands & watched the sky for about 3 hours. it was a series of 'oh, theres one..ahh, another one...how cool, that was a pretty long one...memaw, over there, papaw, right above your head, and on and on. we also named stars we saw, yeah, i know, technically, they have their own names but this was just for us. they named them after me & papaw & daddy & granddaddy & themselves & friends. it was just great bonding time. the next shower is on the 1st of sept & we'll have all 4 then. i hope these are memories they'll keep with them the rest of their lives. I know I just wanted to squeeze them hard & tell them how much I loved them. And to never forget these memories. it was just such great fun! the kids have wonderful imaginations & i love to encourage that. the topper was when jammer asked, 'have we bonded enough? i think i'm getting tired'. theres always a pooper in every party. course, it was 2:30 in the a.m.
later.

You Go Girl

have i mentioned that we bought all the kids new bikes? jammer & the twins are little bitty cutsey bikes with training wheels. of course, we had to add those. well, hubby did. he hates it when i take credit for something he does. i don't think twice about something when i say 'we' did it but damn, if it doesn't rub him the wrong way. i think thats cos he really does so little that when he does accomplish something he hates to share the credit. whatever. anyway, they have training wheels & ixxie got a 20 inch that she learned to ride last weekend. took a few wrecks & alot of pushing, balancing, close calls & rayyyys! but she finally rode it on her own. walker says i should name my 'bike gang' hells bells. what do you think? i could dress them all in leather & run with them through the neighborhood cos god knows i can't stand that little seat stuck up my ass these days.
i have to apologize for my lack of posting. i spend alot of time on the lost & found sites these days. they tell me not to give up on finding mr. p but i get so disillusioned when i see all the lost birds. makes me want to take all the found ones in & love them. i think about all the cute things he did & i just know someone out there has my baby & is trying to teach him to love them instead. he's so sweet that he will love them with time & patience.

ms. m hasn't been herself lately. i'm not sure if thats due to her being in heat or missing mr. p. i hope she comes out of it soon whatever it is cos she's worrying me.

ixxie started back to school last monday. jammer & the twins start on the 20th. i'm hating honey more & more every day. she started a fight with mojo, the twins mommy, which is gonna bite sonny in the ass. he'll be back in court within the month for more child support. on top of that she informs me that she has been suffering from sleep deprivation & has been leaving jammer sitting in front of the tv while she lays down to try & nap. he's 4. do you really think he's not gonna get hurt if this keeps up? a 4 year old without supervision is like trusting my bird not to fly out an open door. shit happens. i'm telling you right now if something happens to my grandbaby i will be in prison for hurting that sorry bitch.

later

Days Come & Days Go

tomorrow is hubbys birthday. he acts like he's 90 but he'll actually be 47. i'm taking the day off but i'm not sure what we'll do. i haven't really made any plans. i think we'll just wing it.
i'm still looking for peepers. everywhere i go. the online search is frustrating. there are so many lost birds out there. its been a month. i talked to a bird rescue house in washington & he says he's seen birds get reunited up to 3 years. he also says he had one bird shipped to him that has been attacked & is in pretty bad shape but healing. he could be peepers & will keep in touch with me. he didn't dare try any of the whistles or calls for him cos he's so weak & on medication. he doesn't want to stress his recovering birds & excitement will do that. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
we bought the twins bicycles this week. i'm so excited for them to see them. we also bought training wheels for jammers bike. now we can all go riding together. if we can keep the little heathens out of the middle of the street & watching for cars it should be fun.
i'm gonna go to bed now. i've been on here since i got home looking at lost cockatiel adds.
thanks to ML for cheering me up with her 'peepers visiting auntie ML' comment. that tickled me. thanks to all the rest of you for your thoughts & well wishes. it means alot.
later.