Sunday, August 26, 2007

Talk About Weirdness

i call my dad my 'sperm donor' because for my entire life he's been in my life but not really a part of my life. my step mom was always the verbal parent & dad was like the silent partner. he never said much & my memory of my dad was mostly of the punishment i received when i was bad. which, believe me only took for me to cross my eyes & turn around twice it seemed for me to be in trouble. honestly i think his only job where i was concerned was to whip me. never to talk..never to communicate whatsoever...just whip me. the disciplining was always my step mom but when it came time to punish me she turned it over to dad. i don't remember ever getting a hug from him. i don't ever remember sitting on his lap. (as a child) i don't ever remember him smiling at me. just whipping me. the whipping sticks in my mind cos it was always with a really thin little leather belt. i had to go upstairs to my room, pull my pants down, lay across my bed & wait for him to come for my whipping. seriously, that was the routine. he'd always leave welts, sometimes draw blood, but never just talk to me..always whip me.
the summer i turned 17 i moved out of his house & back to my moms. that was actually a pretty traumatic event, it involved a fight with my step mom (god what a story), another whipping but one i refused to take just lieing down. instead when i was told to go wait on my whipping, i went & packed my clothes & made the announcement on my way out the door that there would be no more whippings. i was done. my mom was waiting outside for me.
after i married my first husband i did let bygones be & i visited occasionally. i never asked for anything. i kept in touch but i kept my distance. (nippers best advise). my step mom always said he didn't like having us kids around. we were an intrusion in his life.
i don't know what to think now that he's remarried. since the birthday party we've been invited to come out & see him more often. the day after the birthday party i received an email from her that they were gonna go shopping & she needed sizes for the kids. SO THEY COULD BUY CLOTHES! later in the week she emails me & wants to know when we can get together to pick up these clothes they bought. his new wife says in this email 'he loved having you all out & has really missed you'. wtf? is he maybe just getting old & realizes the need for family? is it his new wife? is he getting senile & doesn't remember that he didn't want us around? was it my step moms words & not really dad? i'm confused!
he really did act like he was so glad to see us all. his new wife asked me to come out often & help them learn how to use their new computer. she's giving me a schedule of what weeks they are occupied with the traveling they do & when they'll be in town so we can get together. this is too weird. but i'm not getting too comfy with this new found family thing.
i'm going to see my aunt this friday. i'm telling on him for confusing me like this!


Walker said...

It sounds like he is a man lead by the woman that he is with.
I can relate to the whippings because I can remember the beatings and I can remember that my father has never shown any remorse for it and I don;t expect him to because thats how he was raised to raise his kids by the whip that raised him.

I judge my father for what he did to me not how he was raised, he had a choice and he chose to beat me rather than explain why.

The last time he laid a hand on me I was 16 and when he was done I asled him it that was all he had and left the house.

He still yells ay me but wont do anything without talking to me first.
I don;t dwell on it any more but I won;t forgive him for it either.