Saturday, April 05, 2008

Obsessions: We All Have Them

lately, i've been kinda obsessed with death. march being the month my first husband died & april being when my mommy died; this time of year is always hard for me to deal. the puppy ordeal happening right now & it being jammers first real death experience has made me really think about the trials of our life. jammer is way too young to have been introduced to death the way his mother did it. i wish i could take it back but since theres no undoing the damage i've been thinking of ways to make him understand a little better & how to help him deal with death in general.
i've always been afraid of death. as in i don't want to. ever. probably because i wasn't intoduced to death the right way. i was about 4 when we were in a car accident that took my baby brothers life & i figure the damage was done then. maybe thats why i've blocked out most of my childhood in the first place.
the last time i went to my doctor he said he wanted hubby & i to start taking a baby aspirin everyday. i swear since then i have felt my heart more than i ever did in my life. everytime i get any kind of pain in my chest, whether it be heartburn or a twitching muscle, i think 'oh no, thats my heart'. damn doctors & their preventative teachings. i always had this recurring dream of dying in a car accident & now i can't think about anything but my heart.
i hope i die peacefully in my sleep at about 130 years old. of course, after a full life of being able to totally enjoy my retirement & maybe winning the lottery to help in that enjoyment. also, after meeting my great grandchildren & maybe my great great grandchildren.
anyway, i've been researching on the 'net' & i came across this page. don't look if you can't handle death but this intrigued me. a page about death in pictures (both before & after). ml, you've been warned. hell, i don't hold a candle to this guy & his obsession of death. and i thought i was weird.


ML said...

How strange - I was looking at that site last week.. I think its a fabulous collection. Im in London on Friday this week and I thought about going to see it in person.

Walker said...

I have had enough this death this year already with four in two months.

I never thought about death until i got older.
when i was young I didn;t care much or it didn;t seem like i didwith all the stupid things i got myself into.

If it happens then i hope its swift for me.

Tammi said...

I know how you feel about getting close to the months that you lost your loved ones.Every year,I think I get obsessed with Sept. when I lost the one person in the world I could always count Granny.
I DO agree with Walker though...unlike some of those photo's on that link...I hope my death is swift and doesn't drag out.