Thursday, January 27, 2005


i'm not sure where to start. i've had another epiphany. i'm suffering from depression. that has to be what it is. my heart is really heavy. i feel like i understand WHY people commit suicide. not HOW, u understand, but yes the why.
there's all kinds of cliches out there that kinda explain life & life is why they commit suicide. cut ur nose off to spite ur face, piss on my parade, shit in my wheaties, put ur foot up my ass, cramp my style, bite me in the ass, damn if u do & damn if u don't, got me jumping through hoops, more crooked than a dogs hind leg, walk a mile in my shoes, a wolf in sheeps clothing, school of hard knocks, (which i also have a site named) kiss ur ass goodbye, KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN, this list goes on & on. life is a challenge for all of us. i always said, 'always believe in the rainbow'. cos when u stop believing that theres got to be something better out there thats when u start comtemplating serious changes. some people just can't see past giving up. succumbing to the cliches 'just give up the ghost' 'u've fought the hard fight' 'end it while u can'.
u get out of bed everyday & go to work, to make the money, to pay the bills. u worry & stress over everything. u raise ur kids & 'do unto others'. one day things r looking kinda good & within seconds ur world falls apart. life just never seems to get tired of 'sticking it to u'. where does it all end? does it ever get easier? why does it have to be a fight everyday just to make it through the day? u put on a game face & u hang onto the belief that it has to get better. there has to be a 'pot of gold at the end of the rainbow'.
'taste the rainbow' dammit.
this post is all about being tired. not sleepy tired but giving it up tired. i work so hard at being a good person, taking care of myself & my family, building a solid home & hanging on to the hope that someday life will give me my just desserts. judging by my life right now, life just doesn't think i've given enough. it wants my first born, my right arm & my blood. it seems like everytime i get one problem under control another one rears it's ugly head.
can i just 'take it laying down'? maybe i can 'sleep my life away'.
WTF!! the new rage is 'just do it'. although i think they mean keep going for the big easy. u can turn it around to work for u. jump off that bridge. just do it. pull the trigger.just do it! see?
no, i'd never do anything stupid like suicide. i've tried too hard to be a decent christian (yes, i have a bad mouth for a christian) and i know god will never let me through the pearly gates if i took my own life. but damn... how long do i have to be strong? how much shit can i really endure? when will my turn come?
see what i mean? life is all about the cliches.