Sunday, March 02, 2008

Bad Habits

back when i was in my early 20's i had a really bad habit of chewing on the inside of my jaw. i know you've all seen it. someone with their face twisted in some grotesque way that you can't even tell what they look like. someone pushing their face around to bite the inside of their mouth. chewing on their lip or their lips all pooched up to the side so they can bite that loose piece of skin thats just driving them crazy. sometimes its just that...a piece of skin that just needs to be bit off cos its driving you crazy. sometimes, like in my case, it becomes a habit...back then from worry. afterall, i was a widow with a small child & 4 credit cards that were all charged on, the rent that was due, the gas & electric bill that had to be paid or the phone that may be disconnected if not paid in another 2 weeks that i just had no idea how i was gonna handle it all. not to mention trying to find something to occupy my mind that wasn't gonna allow me to think about my dead husband. when you bite your mouth to a point of rawness, at least, its something tangible that you can concentrate on. something that takes your mind off of the picture in your mind of your 24 year old husband laying in a casket with stitches all up his chest from an autopsy that was performed to make sure it was natural causes that killed him & not some unnatural drug that he may have consumed or the recurring dream of holding your breath until he breathed. then there was my 4 year old son wanting to know when daddy was coming home & could he hide so daddy could find him every day for what seemed like a lifetime. yeah, i developed some pretty bad habits like smoking too much, squeezing my baby too hard & biting my jaw till it was so raw i actually scarred. it wasn't a pretty sight. i looked like some freak clown pushing & pulling my mouth to bite that hard to reach spot & i sounded like i had a wad of shit in my mouth cos it was so sore. After i got my shit together i decided the first thing i was gonna do was break that ugly habit of biting my jaw. it took me quite some time to break. i think i was living on my skin. i'd catch myself chewing on my jaw & tell myself i had to stop for months. without realizing i had actually stopped i did it. just one day i woke up & thought hey, my mouth isn't hurting. i knew i never wanted to get to that point of insecurity again.
about 6 months ago i noticed again i find myself pushing on my face to get that perfect bite. the inside of my mouth is so sore i can't hardly stand it. i've boiled it down to when hubby went into the hospital. i remember sitting by his bedside waiting for him to recognize me & watching the nurses strap him down with locked leather wrist bands & holding my chin in my hand while i pushed my jaw in to chew.
this brings me to 2 conclusions.
1. i need to lose the jaw biting &
2. husbands cos me to have bad habits.
jeez, i'm so glad its not something like chin hair that i could have electrolysis for. i bet you thought i was gonna say stop worrying, didn't you? lets face it...that ain't never gonna happen.


ML said...

Im just trying to figure out how the hell you chew your own jaw..assuming youre talking about the skin facing your bottom teeth!

Lindy said...

Very carefully, believe me, very carefully.

Walker said...

is there irritating you because its there and you need to chew it off lol