Blogger Redundantancy

Traveler & Turd

hey, hey! how is everyone? i know, long time no hear from. i've been gone so long i feel like a new blogger. i just hope i still have some readers. its amazing how fast your spikes fall when you don't post. damn that stat counter. i know better than to check it.
so, all gifts have been exchanged except ours for sonny & honey. they'll open our gifts on sunday when they come to get the kids. we all met at nippers house on friday for the kids & family gift thing. nipper lives about half way between sonny & i so it works out well for both of us. he was just getting out of the car when we arrived. perfect timing. honestly, i don't think i've ever timed anything in my life more perfectly. i'm the one that they claim will be late for my own funeral. i don't agree with them cos i'm not the one that will be driving me there. at least, i hope i won't have to drive myself to my own funeral. who knows, with the way things are going, what will be protocol by then?
being with my family was great. i don't get to see them enough. holidays are usually the only time we really get together anymore. at least thats the only time i get to see them. everybody else lives pretty close to each other. i'm the only one stupid enough to move to another state. well, me and traveler, my nephew, that has actually moved all the way to the other side of the earth in some cases. he chose missionary work as a means of supporting himself. he's the most caring, giving kid i've ever had the pleasure of being acquainted with. don't get me wrong, my niece & nephews are all amazing kids, just traveler is truly the most special of the bunch. i think of him as our families personal 'prayer warrior'. he just returned from a teaching gig in south korea & is leaving tomorrow to go back to california where he has been based out of for a few years now. i worry about him when he's so far from us but i know he has god to watch over him wherever he may be. he couldn't have a better travel buddy. ya know?
i tried hard to get my dad to join us. him & his new wife, even though mom was in the mix. after all they are all adults & its for the kids more than anything. he didn't answer his phone in the end. i knew he was home cos i saw his vehicles on our way in. he had not met the twins yet. they are going on 5 years old & he couldn't be bothered to come down to meet them even though we were only a few yards from his back door. for meanness, i stopped by on our way out. i just knocked on his door & invited him to the car to at least say 'hi'. i didn't even unstrap the kids...i just let him look in, told him who was who & we went on our merry ways. i know god will get me in the end but at least i put out the effort. i'd say the ball is in his court now.
big turd!
traveler & turd.






you've just met 2 more of my family members. stay tuned for more.
later.

Beep Beep

he's done! rayyyy! he's rode his little red sleigh the whole world over & has returned to the north pole where he belongs. thank you, jesus! pretty soon we can all get back to assimilating a normal life. well, thats in my world.
but not so fast. i still have more christmas to do. not buy. just do. i haven't been to my sisters or my moms. the kids haven't opened their gifts here yet. its complicated. we didn't get the twins this past weekend & i want all the kids to be together when they open gifts plus christmas being on monday meant if i opened gifts on sunday they might wonder why they get gifts here first. although, i sign the tags from memaw & papaw, i just don't want to confuse them. especially as confused as i am right now. are you confused?
the weather has been beautiful for december. thats been a plus. i have enough pto time left at work that if it snows i don't have to take a chance on killing myself to get there. thats due to the better weather thus far. usually by this time of year most of my off time has been sucked up by snow so bad i couldn't get down my hill. thats what i get for living in the boonies.
so far, we've only gone to hubbys side of the family. i only made one boo-boo. i forgot one sister in law didn't have pierced ears. who doesn't have pierced ears these days? other than that i think everyone was pleasantly surprised. even the brother in law that is never happy with anything seemed to be happy with everyone this year.
well, shit, there goes the salt truck down the road. thats a bad sign. maybe i bragged too soon. tomorrow is my first day back to work. hopefully, we won't get too much snow tonight. i still don't feel safe driving the lebaron in the snow. i haven't had enough practise to know the car that well. thats ok, thats why i still have the corsica. its got a kick ass heater & it handles ok in the snow. except i haven't driven it much since the tire fell off. it did handle ok in the snow. hopefully, it will be safe enough.
i've gotten some amazing gifts. my mother in law bought me a new cell phone. a little bitty compact thing with internet connection. that was too cool. now, i have a phone & 'triple a' in the event i break down. in the snow. in the dark. in the boonies. i can go online & chat or send email while i wait for the tow truck that i called on my new little cell phone.
ok. gotta go for now.
later

Values Be Damn

we put the tree up last weekend while the kids were here. i use a fake tree & they helped us build it. they loved it. we've put up all the lights i'm using this year. the tree has about 600 lights & we have more around the windows, door, rail & alcove. i still want to wrap the door. (do you know what i'm talking about?) i've finished the shopping (not too soon) but i haven't begun to wrap any of the gifts. thats a huge job that i'm not looking forward to. i used to love it but that was when there were a group of us sitting around shooting the shit while we did it. now i'm stuck with it by myself, its a pain in the ass & it takes forever.
jammer is much better. he's so improved that when he got mad at me he stood at the door & screamed, i just want to leave you, now! i wish his mommy & daddy didn't fight so much cos i know he's heard his daddy say that. even when he's asleep he hears whats going on & it definitely sinks in. while he was so sick he would talk in his sleep. some of the things he said were things that he's 'supposedly' not heard them discussing. isn't that a kick in the nuts?
i hope you're all ready for Christmas. i know i'll be glad when its over. its not about the baby Jesus, the love, good feelings or sharing anymore or the wisemen & the star of bethlehem for that matter. its all about the name brands & the money spent. its lost its appeal for me. i don't even think the kids these days could tell you the story of Christmas. i think our kids are all too spoiled to appreciate it too. 2 seconds after they open the gifts they're all ready to fight over the toys. they don't want to get rid of any of the old stuff so theres no room for the new stuff & several of them wind up broken almost immediately anyway. watch this week drag for me cos i'm being so cynical. serves me right, huh?
well, you probably won't hear from me again until after its over. i hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. be safe & be healthy. i hope you all get what you want!
Merry Christmas!
later.

Should We Shoot 'Em?

i called honey from work monday morning & jammer still had not eaten anything, still had a fever & was still sleeping. i begged her to take him to the doctor again. she agreed that if he wasn't better on tuesday they would. they called me tuesday morning to let me know that his temperature reached 103 again so they took him to the doctor. he still has the respiratory infection & its been joined by an ear infection. the doctor has him on 3 medicines & has his temperature back down to normal. i called before i left work today & talked him into eating a banana while we talked. he said he was feeling better & thanked me for worrying about him. isn't that sweet? i asked him to eat another banana & he said ok. then i blew it! i asked him if he thought he could eat supper tonight & he told me 'i don't know about that memaw'.
i emailed mojo to see how snarky was doing with her respiratory infection & she has developed the same ear infection that jammer has. honestly, i think those 2 should be the twins. they look alike, act alike & have the same afflictions.
snooky has a chest cold too. everybody is on medication. everybody is showing signs of improvement. everybody is still coughing & i am still going nuts.
did i tell you jammer, ixxie & i went shopping around a salvation army store about a month ago? mostly it was just to pass some time but i love to look at those old places. you never know what you'll find. you know the ole cliche 'one mans junk is another mans treasure'. jammer came across a hobby horse the minute we walked in the door & rode the thing all the way through as we looked. when i said it was time to go he wanted to bring the horse so i told him to ask the lady how much it was cos i couldn't find a price anywhere on it. he literally picked the thing up & carried it to the front of the store to ask. to watch the little guy carry that big ass horse just tickled me. turned out it was $12.00 but that particular day was half price day on toys & clothes so we bought it. as much as he loved it i couldn't refuse. on the way home i asked him what he was gonna name it & he answered, 'well, HORSE, of course'. i thought i'd pee my pants laughing at him. he held it in his lap in the car seat all the way home to pet it. he gave it water when we got home & had to let it outside to potty. he feed it then pretended to brush it before he rode it.
well, he just broke its leg. i told him we would have to shoot it cos thats what you do when a horse goes lame. he doesn't think i have to shoot it cos its not breathing. he's giving it cpr right now. with mouth to mouth & beating on the heart... the whole nine yards to try saving the horse. i have to think ingeniously now as to how to repair the horse. god knows, i can't let it die on him.
oh, never mind. the horse is breathing again. sssshhhheeewwww, that was a close one. i still have to figure a way to fix the leg though. cos i'm the memaw & i can do anything. you know?
gotta go.
later.

Create Your Own Holiday

i think its time for a new holiday. i think we should all create a special holiday as a family tradition just for us. what do you think? i think i want to declare today my 'hategiving holiday'.
i'd start with being super hateful for my drunk husband that doesn't know when to stop drinking. i also am very hateful for the way he stands at the fridge with the door wide open while he sucks on that bottle of his.
some other things i'm extremely 'hateful for' these days:
..our heater that went out last night.
..the fever that jammer has had since last night that i can't kick.
..the kerosene heater that hubby drunkenly walked away from last night while he was filling that ran over, all over my floor. stinking up my entire house.
..the smartassed attitude that ixxie has developed. its her mommys fault so i can't really blame her but man does it burn my ass.
..the stinginess that all my grandkids show each other. again, its their raising & i can't control that but while they're here at my house that shit will not be accepted.
..of course, the fact that i have no money for christmas goes without saying. i'm just saying, though.
..the seizures that my poor ms. m has been suffering through more often & stronger than ever.
..the snow that hit the ground last thursday here that i had to endure driving through.
..that i can't afford new tires for my car that i've learned slides in the snow that hit the ground last thursday & i have the rest of the winter to deal with.
..the worldantispy program that took me months to get off my computer.
..the shoes that i've been wearing that doesn't have arches causing my feet to burn. i actually thought i was developing diabetes 2 which causes burning in your feet. you know what a self-diagnoser i am.
theres more. i just can't believe that you want to read all of them this year. besides, if i list them all here, what the hell will i have to be hateful for next year?
if you're a praying person though, please put in a word for jammer. i'm really worried about him. me, i can deal but the baby doesn't deserve to suffer because of his stupid mother that doesn't bring his medicine when she dumps them every weekend so she can have her time for herself. self centered bitch.
see theres another hategiving that i didn't even mention technically. so, i can use that one next year.
ok. gotta go.
later.

Cashing Out

this past weekend santa called the kids. here in my area ma bell has set up a website that you can request a prerecorded voice message from santa. it was so cute. jammer listened intently, mouth hung open & eyes wide. afterward, he couldn't stop telling me what all santa said to him. 'and he knew my name, memaw!' i thought about that all week. it made me smile everytime it crossed my mind. wouldn't it be great if we could always keep that innocence? wouldn't it be greater if we could always have the few extra dollars for christmas? i can't remember this for myself & my mom, but i remember how happy i was when sonny gave me the present he spent his whole 2 dollars on? or the something he made for me? i know how i react when i get something the grandkids make or buy for me. i love the pleased smile & the excitement in their little faces as i oooohhh & ahhh over it. they always give me a big hug & tell me how much they love me. jammer couldn't stop telling me how beautiful i am this weekend. i said something about if i kept eating like i did for thanksgiving my butt was gonna get too wide to get through the door & papaw said, 'oh no honey, thats still the smallest thing about you.' jammer doubled up his fist & told him not to say mean things. which is when it dawned on hubby what he just said. guess he'll be getting NO nukey for christmas.
of course, this year is even tighter than usual with hubby not working. maybe he'll just have to settle for fat nukey with a little ass. won't that just serve him right?
oh my. what am i gonna do for christmas? its too close & so is the money. i know, everyone is in the same boat. as always, i leave it in god's hands. somehow he always makes it work. i think we'll put the tree & decorations up this weekend. since all the kids will be here. i want the twins to be in on it.
i've discovered a new toy i can play with. no you sex freaks its not that kind of toy. a function on our copy machine that i can scan pics into & send them to myself via email. be prepared for a lot more pics.
well, gotta go.
later, dudes & dudettes.

Helping Out The Children

if anyone visits this post between now & midnight tonight, please, check this out. its a great cause & it won't cost you a thing. i'm amazed at the generosity of this woman.

Butt This Bitch

we had to go to the hardware store today for, of all things, a piece of glass. the wind was blowing up to 60 mph here today & blew the damn glass right out of our window. it shattered into a zillion pieces. between the rain & the ice balls that fell we had to do something with the window. we put a piece of plastic up to keep things dry while we were gone to get the glass. while i was shopping around waiting for the glass to be cut i found exactly what i needed for the front door. hubby didn't like the idea that i wanted to spend more of his money but he caved, in the end.
did i ever tell you the story of us replacing the front door?
aaahhh, you have to hear it to appreciate my front door. i super appreciate it cos i had to endure the fight that it took to get the damn thing hung right. the door had originally been hung by my step dad & sonny years ago. they did it with very little money & made do with materials we had around the house. i don't even remember how long we had the falling apart front door that hung so precariously. jimdad had removed the threshold of the door when he hung it & had put it in to fit as tightly as he could. even filling in the top with 2 x 4's so that there was no space for air to leak through. he didn't take into consideration little things like the threshold needed to be put back in or the fact that the door needed to swing to open. he just put the damn thing in. closed, it looked great but trying to open it was a nightmare. it scraped across the floor & you had to lift up on it to even move it. over the years the lifting up on it part caused it to come apart, pull out of the jam & not catch right to lock. the only reason we finally got a new door was cause the door frame started to rot. after all, it was built with pressed board. we decided if we had to replace the door frame we might as well go for a new door. hubby & i proceeded to hang it over a weekend. yes, it took the whole weekend to get the job done cos we spent so much time arguing over the correct way to hang it to allow it to fit & swing, with a threshold, like a normal door. hubby wanted to just hang it exactly like the old door & didn't care that the same thing was gonna happen in a few years. he argued that we didn't have this & we didn't have that & everytime i came out with exactly what we needed he acted so surprised. i wanted to hang it right which meant the whole frame needed to be rebuilt. we did it his way first. then when it pulled out the very first day, we hung it my way. but the hell...oh, the hell of getting him to accept that the door needed to be hung right. i had to beg him to tear out the 2 x 4's so we could turn them to fill in only the 2 inches instead of 4, add the threshold & it took my being right there holding every little nail, marking every little screw hole to get him to do it right. i wound up holding the door in place, in the end, exactly where i thought it needed to be. holding it in place & supporting it with my foot while he put the screws in from the bottom up just cos he was mad at me for insisting that it swung. it allowed a space at the top & bottom that was open but a strategically placed smaller board at the top took care of most of that. today, 6 months later i finally got the door sweep & weather stripping to finish my beautiful front door. the door that swings freely when opened & the threshold that stops the rain from running inside my door. i am a happy woman today. tomorrow i will fit the sweep & put up the stripping that will keep the cold out. with my husbands help. enduring another fight as to how it should be done. cos nothing in this house is done right without a fight.
and thats my door hanging story.
now, i have to get some rest so i will be up for the head butting that tomorrow will bring.
later.

Pictures For You

in going through the boxes nipper has come across a few other things. i wanted to share this one with you. the group picture is my mommy (pregnant with me) on the left sitting on my uncle wes' lap with her sister ceelie. grandma is standing behind them. the single picture is my mom.
Isn't she pretty?

Just Hateful

i'm getting ready to tear my pc apart again. theres always new & upgraded things i want. except my operating system. nobody understands why i stick with windows 98. i find it easy to use & the kinks have been worked out of it. for me thats great. i have 2000 at work & we are constantly being bombarded by virus' & spyware. i'd rather stick with something i can control. i do have a copy of windows 2000 on another computer but i don't care much for it so i don't use it. but i have a few new programs i want to add. so bear with me. ok?
i've got a question for you... how can he be at the other end of the house & still be on my nerves? he's watching football all the way at the other end of the house & still yells loud enough that i hear him in the living room. i finally shut the door the last time i went down the hallway. how would he like it if i yelled loud enough to hear me down the hallway everytime jennifer aniston slam dunked her boyfriend in 'the break up'? which is what i'm watching in the living room. NOT! i threatened him with the duct tape to shut him up. you all know how much i love the duct tape. god only knows where i might stop if i have to tape his shit shut. or if i would stop. i think it would be beneficial to me to just tape his shit shut all the way around. i would at least get to enjoy the movie i'm watching.
he pretty much ruins everything for me.
in the beginning, when i first hooked up with him, i loved to watch football. i used to have football parties on sunday & watched faithfully to support my hometeam. but after watching game after game with no end in sight i finally conceded that i wasn't that much of a football fan if it meant that i watched one game after another, all day long, to show my support, then my support was lacking. i like to support my team but thats all i need to do. i don't need to know every score..from every game..from everyday..all day long. he killed my enthusiasm for the wonderful game of football to the point of hating to watch football at all.
but it wasn't only football. it became an all day...sports thing...any sports...all sports...day in....day out...all sports!....all intense...all control...all hateful...as far as i'm concerned.
now, i would rather take a very long walk or drown myself instead of having to watch the sports shit with him.
isn't that pitiful?
how can one person make you hate something that bad? live with my husband for a week. he'll figure it out.
laatttteeerrrr.

The Younger Years

something cool happened. i mentioned my blog as my diary in my last post. yesterday i went to moms for a thanksgiving get together. nipper was there & she had brought my pictures to return to me. she also had gone through some old boxes she had stored & came across a diary of mine. i don't know how she wound up with it. i think she had stored boxes for my mom that she found it in. it covers the 13-16 years, so, last night i sat down to read through it. it brought back soo many memories. vividly! people i had forgotten, feelings i'd had, things that had happened, boys i'd kissed & gone steady with, friends i knew, pj parties with my friends, fights, birthdays...i remembered them like yesterday. it kinda gave me back a piece of me that i had lost. i guess that sounds silly but i love having my diary. i wanted to sleep with it. i didn't because i'm not 15 anymore but i didn't want to put it down. i fell asleep (minus the diary) & had dreams of things that made me feel all warm & tingly. kinda horny. hahahaha. long time no feel horny. thats kind of a lost feeling and i was a virgin when i was writing that diary. honest! i didn't start fooling around until i met sonnys dad in my junior year of high school. he wasn't mentioned once in the diary, cos it only covered up to 16, so i know it was before i met him. i can't explain it but i love having my diary. i think after i met him i was too busy spending time with him to even write in the diary. oh yeah, and doing the nasty.
i remember one time i locked the keys in the car. i skipped school to spend the day with him & we were in a hurry to get the nasty on. without thinking about how to get back in the car i was so worried about losing the keys in the woods. so, i locked them inside the car. duh, stupid. the minute the door closed i remembered i needed the damn things to get back in the car. needless to say, we did the nasty before we worried about getting back in the car. after all the damage was done. well, not all the damage cos we had to break a cozy wing to get back in. do you remember cozy wings? the little triangle shaped window on the old cars?
anyway, that was a blast from the past. you'll be hearing a lot more about my diary over the next few weeks. as i find the cool shit i'll be sure and share.
later.

Technorati

i thought this was a cool idea. Technorati Profile
Does anybody else link there?
later

Thanksgiving Memories

hey all. how was your thanksgiving? mine was great. great food, great friends & great family. in my opinion some of the coolest things happen on thanksgiving. everybody you see, whether they know you or not wishes you a happy thanksgiving. that gives me a happy, warm feeling.
snookie kissed me & said she was gonna rub it all the way into her heart. i told her that was such a good idea i would do it too. then i said 'poof, i felt it hit my heart & it feels so good.' tears welled up in her big eyes & she said, 'i love you so much, memaw, you make me so happy.' shes such a sensitive little girl with her great big eyes & her sweet little no-nonsense attitude. shes the middle girl in the picture. the twin in front of her is snarkie & ixxie is to the right.
they're all growing up so fast. i keep a camera handy so i won't miss anything. i want to always remember these little things. which is pretty much why i started this blog in the first place. now i can compare pictures with a diary of the day. nipper, my younger sister has a video camera & we have movies of the kids, too. when i'm old, gray & have altzheimers i'll be a little less lost because of them.
hopefully.
and they'll be a little less lost with memories of their lives.
hopefully.
getting old & helpless is a scary thing. i want to live a long time so i can see my grandkids have kids. i want to always be there to make them feel safe & loved. when i am gone i want them to think of me & get a warm, loving feeling in their hearts. i'm trying to make an impression that they'll never forget. not like my life that is like a haze. we moved so much that memories weren't ingrained in me like that. i can see pictures of me when i was younger & have no recollection of where i was or how old i was, let alone what was going on.
hold on, i'm getting dog-licked by jammer.
aahhhh, how refreshing. dog licks & kisses are two of the best things. don't you think? can you say slime me? thats ok, i got him back with a big ole dog-lick up the side of his face that went all the way into his ear. and now he's in trouble with papaw for swinging a pocket watch that spilled his soda.
memories. oh yes, great memories.
well, gotta get back to controlling the aliens. they are such busy little bodies.
later.

Name That Game

jammer & snarky both have a terrible cough. seems like they've had it forever. i put jammer in the tub friday night & noticed he had a rash on his butt & back. my poor baby boy woke up at 4:30am coughing so hard i thought he was gonna puke. i went to get his medicine & when i came back in the bedroom he cried, 'i can't do this anymore.' he broke my heart sounding so pitiful. by sunday he was covered with the rash & it looked just like measles. i know he's had his shots & thats supposed to keep them from getting measles but i've also known kids that did wind up with measles anyway & i thought sure he was one of them. when his daddy got here to pick him up i made him promise me he would take jammer to the doctor. i also emailed mojoe & asked her if she would please take snarky to the doctor. its about time to kick this cough. i made sonny feel so bad cos i asked how he could stand for his baby boy to cough like he was. sonny called me on monday to tell me he took him in & he was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. they said the rash was 'pityriasis rosea' & that he would have the rash for 2-6 weeks. they gave him an antibiotic & said there was nothing you could do for the rash...it just had to run its course. really weird. not all kids get it but its a result of the infection & they don't know what causes it. its very obvious for about 5 days then it goes away. it doesn't itch or anything & you can only see it again when they get hot from playing or bath after that. turned out snarky had the same respiratory infection & shes on medication too.
hubby got rip roaring drunk this weekend & fell a couple times. i can't understand him wanting to get so drunk that he falls like that. you have to know it hurts. i mean he ain't no spring chicken anymore. then he really pisses me off when he doesn't want to admit that he fell cos he was drunk so he lies & tries to pull some 'tightening' of his chest shit. what he didn't know was i was watching him & saw him lean forward & lose his balance. i played along with it for a minute, giving him an aspirin & let him lie there. but the longer he drug it out the madder i got. i really didn't want to go off in front of the kids. finally, i asked him if he really thought i was that stupid? i also asked if he thought it was ok for the kids to see this? is this what he wanted them to grow up thinking was the way to live? jammer sitting at their little table eating dinner looked at him & said, 'papaw, you better answer that right, i don't think she thinks its ok.'
wanna know some of the games we play here at lindyland? he had a gallon bottle of vodka in the fridge that he sucked on all day & everytime he left the room through the day i dumped a little of it out. he spent most of the day in the bedroom watching football & i had a sneaking suspicion that he had a bottle hid back there too. by the end of the night there was about an inch left in the bottle but when i came out the next morning it was half full again. i knew then i was right. he was working on 2 bottles at the same time just in different rooms. i call that one 'how sneaky am i?'
a new game we just got into is 'how many miles are on the car?' he called me at work & wanted to run up to pick up kerosene. i was on empty but i knew we were going right back out so i went straight home to pick him up first. we stopped on our way out & filled the tank. i also pushed the mileage button to see how many miles we were getting to the fillup. so, we got the k1, stopped at the video store & then krogers.
i didn't pay any attention till the next day when we got in the car. the mileage read 8.8 & i know krogers isn't that far. it was a hmmmm kind of thing but i didn't say anything. we were heading for krogers anyway so i thought i'd just check to see how far it was. when we got back up to krogers the mileage read 2.4 miles. fucker stole the car again & snuck up to the store to buy another fucking bottle of vodka since his backup was only half full. of course, i confronted him & pointed out the mileage & of course, he denied it. he likes to play 'thats my story & i'm sticking to it.'
my newest game is 'how much have i saved for a divorce.'
later.

Hell Week

here we go. another year...another dilemma. we're talking about thanksgiving plans. i hate to always be in the middle of this shit. mom can't decide what day to actually have the dinner cos she doesn't know who she wants to accomodate this year. see, i think its a who'll like me best contest. mom doesn't want my hubby to come cos she has her own drunk to deal with so, i don't count. besides i have my in-laws that i can go to. so does nipper, my next sister down. its no fun for mom if she isn't the only priority. we don't count cos she doesn't control the game rules with the 2 of us. sounds like a sick kind of game, huh? yeah, see why i created this funcdystional world of mine? damn, god just got me for being bad. i smushed my finger between the chair & the desk & its hurting like crazy. serves me right for questioning mommys perfect thanksgiving. have you ever seen the movie 'mommy dearest'? every holiday with my family makes me think of this movie.
so, wanna hear about the last 7 days of my wonderful world?
friday i came home from work to a drunk hubby wanting sex. yeah, thats just what i want. drunk sex! yahoo! is there any other kind? thats a rhetorical question, btw. there is, of course, but not in my life.
saturday about 5:30 am i woke to a thump & groaning. it wasn't in the bedroom. it wasn't in the bathroom. it was coming from somewhere down the hall. i walked through the house & found hubby on the kitchen floor. he was conscious this time. he told me he didn't know what happened or how he got there. i asked if he could get up & he wanted to just lie there for a minute. when i finally got him up & in the living room he was fine. but come on, you don't just fall down for no reason. could it be cos he got so drunk the night before? according to him he has a cold & he was just lightheaded. no way could the drinking have anything to do with him almost passing out & he was absolutely not going to the hospital. i'm beginning to think he likes falling down.
sunday..sonny calls me & wants me to bring the kids to him. remember now, i have 4 grandkids this weekend. i get them all fed & we pile into the car. driving the expressway (think about that for a minute. what are your speed limits on the expressway? ours are 65 mph in most places.) i start to feel something in the steering. like it starts feeling loose & i say, i'm pulling over something feels wrong. i start switching lanes to pull off on the emergency lane. i get into the 2nd lane from the side & my back drivers side tire flies off & we're riding on the metal wheel hub. sparks are flying 8 feet back & 10 feet high. cars are all around us flying by on both sides as i'm trying to get to the emergency lane. i have very little control but i get pulled off as far as i can get to the side, finally coming to a stop. thank god i was slowing down to pull off in the first place. a very nice guy pulls off behind us to offer help & lets me use his cell phone (i've gotta get one of those things) to call sonny. hubby jumps out of the car & starts running up & down the expressway to find the missing tire. he's crossing this expressway, people, in the dark, in dark clothes with traffic moving at least 65 miles per hour. i couldn't believe he was running back & forth across the expressway with his condition. seizures can be caused from blinking lights or repetitive motions. i am freaking out. he was gone for so long at one point that i actually dropped to my knees right there beside the highway & prayed that we would all please make it through this plight, alive.
monday..i found a sore lump in my breast. we are all taught to check ourselves & i feel at least once a month. this lump is about the size of a dime & it wasn't there the last time i felt. i called my doctor & he tells me sometimes they just dissapate on their own with no worry but i've never found a lump before so i made an appointment to have a mamogram.
tuesday..i started again. and if there could be any more blood...i would be o.j. simpson.
wednesday..we complained about our new office being too cold so h-vac brought us an electric heater. i plugged it in & immediately everything in the building went dead except the lights. when we flipped the circuit breaker back on my computer went into reload stage just like it never had a hard drive installed so i spent the entire day finding something to do.
thursday..i filled my car up on my way to work & by the time i got to work i was sitting on empty. $25.00 worth of gas & i was showing 55 miles traveled. i walked aroung the car & on the passengers side i found a fountain of gas spewing from under the car. when i got home hubby looked & says i sprang a leak in my gas line.
i'm almost afraid to even get out of bed tomorrow.
happy, happy, joy, joy!
what kind of week have you had? dog been hit? wrecked your car? house upchucked? if you can top my week, please, share...
hopefully, someone can give me some good news. i can't rely on my luck to inspire me.
xoxo, friends.
later.

Suggestions?

well, i woke up with great aunt rosie. the first few days are murder. to see the mess you'd swear someone had been murdered too. my back & legs are aching so bad i couldn't hardly walk. the wonderful cramps that come with all of it are to die for too! anyone know why god cursed us with this monthly ritual? how come the men couldn't have this, too? at least that would be fair. well, a little bit more fair anyway. it could be something we share & could talk about. right?
to say the least, i didn't make it to work today. i spent the day in bed & only got up to take more ibuprofen.
i need to get me in a better place. better health, better mind, just better everything all together. my entire stability is at stake here.
i hate my life. i hate my feelings, i hate my husband & i hate my mind. my mind being my worst enemy. when i wake up & hurt like this i want to invest in a total body workover.
i could have a face lift, lyposuction, a tummy tuck, lobotomy & a psychiatrist to put me all back in order again.
wanna know what set me off tonight? ms. m has been having seizures on a new scale. almost everynight now days & several times through the day. last night i mentioned maybe it was me when i got loud. maybe it was because she thought i was upset.
we were discussing opening a can of corn & where he could find a can of corn. ms. m started trembling like she does when she has her seizures.
immediately he starts telling me its cos i am being loud & she thinks i'm mad.
thanks for using my suggestion against me. thanks for making me feel like its my fault.
maybe he should go away & i won't be talking to anybody loud. hey, maybe i don't have to have someone in my house at all that she might misconstrue my volume of speaking with my perception of being upset.
how's that for a suggestion?
later.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

'you said the wrong thing papaw'
'toys go in the toy room, big guy.'
'you just said the wrong thing again, papaw'
this kid is getting too big for his britches. he actually thinks he's the boss. the rule is toys stay in the toyroom. thats why we created the toyroom. they all agreed that toys would stay in the toyroom if we made them a toyroom. i busted my ass to make that toy room. i was so tired of stepping on all the little toys. those suckers hurt when you step on them. little army men or dinosaurs that you can't see in a slightly dark room. man, when you step on them you sure know they're there cos they're stuck in your foot by then.
saturday we went to my nieces wedding reception. it was a great time. i tried to keep the kids under some kind of control but mom suggested i just turn them loose. 'they're with family, they aren't hurting anything, just let them have fun.' so, i did. they were hellions, running amuck, under everyones feet, climbing stairs, going in & out the doors. everytime jammer ran by me i grabbed him up & the first thing he yelled was 'i'll stop running memaw.' everytime i sat him down he took off running again. everyone told me how cute he was & how much like his daddy he was. he finally got to meet a lot of family that he'd never met before. including my brother that lives farther down in kentucky & never seems to be visiting at the same time i have the kids. sonny never visits anyone either. he's too busy working to support all of them & i guess the same holds true for my brother. its kinda crazy how the family never gets together like we use to when dad & my step mom were still married. speaking of dad, he was there with his new wife. it was good to see him. he looks happy but you could tell my step mom wasn't thrilled with the situation. everytime i noticed her dancing she was at the end dad sat at. when he was ready to leave she stood really close to the girls hoping he'd have to speak to her on his way out. he didn't, but her new husband was standing pretty close too. dad had a good buzz going maybe he didn't notice her but she couldn't take her eyes off him.
we got lost coming home. not exactly lost like going in the wrong direction. just one wrong turn & we wound up on backroads instead of major highways & it took forever to get back to something i recognized. needless to say we were up late.
sunday was a lazy day to recupe from what seemed to be the never ending drive home. my feet hurt from all the dancing & chasing so i treated them to a massage with a smell good lotion. the rest of my body got the icy hot. owww, old tired back & legs. old tired body. too bad calgon can't take me away anymore! for one theres too much to take & for two i can't find my damn calgon.
when sonny got here to pick up the kids he came in with a bag. he just had to show off his new cap. he's a ball cap fanatic. only his are all about hunting. well, he pulled out this bright orange hat with a camoflage leaf across one side of it. it was a pretty cool cap. he took the one he had off & handed it to jammer. 'you can have this one.' jammer handed it back to him. 'let me see that one.' he handed him the new hat & jammer said, 'wrong, wrong, wrong, you can have that one.' see he's getting to big for his britches.
sonny has to go to court tomorrow for child support again. i'm sure they want more money but hopefully with his new counselor he'll get some important key pieces of information in his files that has, so far, been omitted. like his 2nd family & lack of work during winter months. i wish him luck. court is never any fun.
k, gotta go. back to work tomorrow & pounding some more keys myself.
later.

Happy Halloween

ok, god please forgive me for yelling at him. i hate to yell. i already talk loud, its just in me. part of my genetics. part of who i am. in gym, when i was young & cool, still in school, the teacher always asked me to announce scores & who was in the lead cos i didn't need a microphone to be heard over the drone of the crowd. of course, neither did she but why be a teacher if you can't tell kids what to do? since i've grown up i've learned to use my inside voice but sometimes i get excited & theres no controlling my volume. but to yell! i hate it. even in caps its not cool. so, i apologize for yelling & hope to be forgiven. i thought about deleting or unposting the whole thing but thats a cop out. a conniption fit was had & it must not be covered up. if i promise to never, ever do it again, can i still blog? ok, i promise i'll never do it again.
happy halloween everyone! today is my favorite holiday of the whole year. its the most fun day usually. this year, it was kind of a let down. we only had about a dozen or so kids & half of them weren't even dressed up. just their usual play clothes. nobody was scary & nobody wore face paint. nobody wore a neat outfit or a homemade one. what happened to parents that got into halloween? sonny used to have a couple of outfits lined up & run as fast as he could around the neighborhood so he could come home, change into another outfit & make another round. i was disappointed in today. i think its the weekday halloween. maybe parents have too much to do & not enough time to get things together. i remember rushing home from work to get pictures of sonny getting ready & the finished product & then passing out candy so i got to see all the cute or scary trick or treaters. i didn't even get to do any tricks! dang it! as jammer says.
well, i'm gonna hit the shower & the sack.
i've found one drawback to our new office. the bathroom is downstairs & when you gotta go...its a bitch to make it down those stairs, through the people, behind the counter & down another hall. by the time i got there i forgot why i went. i didn't even have to go anymore.
k, i'm done.
later

A Plea

i've already told you i was ready to make the change. this past weekend was a real eye opener. i'm tired of living like this. but above & beyond i refuse to expose my grandkids to this kind of life any longer. they really don't deserve it & i don't want them to think that living like this is ok. i don't want them to think putting up with a mean drunk is the best they can expect. fuck that, not just a mean drunk but any kind of drunk, any kind of shit they don't want to deal with is totally unacceptable. i want to teach them to think for themselves & stand up for themselves. nobody should have to accept the unacceptable. friends, this is unacceptable!
hubby made them all miserable this weekend. everytime he opened his mouth he did nothing but make them cry. all of them! jammer was so frustrated with him that he gritted his teeth while he asked him to 'please, just let me talk to memaw.' a 3 year old child & he was trying so hard to control his hatred that he clenched his fists & gritted his teeth while he tried to maintain his respect for the adult in his life. i was so proud of him for being such a big guy. on the other hand i felt so sorry for all of them all i could do was love them extra hard & ask hubby to please just let us all be.
hubby refused to let them take toys to the tub. he stood in the doorway & blocked one twin because she wasn't carrying her own pj's. even though the twin behind her carried all the pj's. he wanted to send them to the corner for every little thing. they all have colds & felt bad but that didn't mean anything to him. he was so....man, i can't even put it into words. he didn't have a nice word for anyone.
PRICK!
today i told him we needed to talk & reminded him of several things this weekend. i told him i stopped on the way home & opened a savings account & i would only use my money but a divorce was inevitable. he said he knew, he had read my blog. but, hello, he was drinking when i got home. a whole lot of effort is going in here. he answered that suicide was on his mind. not at his own hands but in his half wake state & in his dream thats what he invisions. am i supposed to feel remorse cos his dreams are about suicide? am i supposed to put up with his sorry ass because he is so out of control that he imagines his death & i guess, how it could happen? sorry, but the last 5 years of my life i've felt like i was dead inside anyway. the only thing that has made me feel even like coming home is to watch after my animals & fridays are the only day i look forward to coming home cos the kids will be here. then to have them put up with his meanness. no way! no more! no sorry!
DAVID, I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS COS THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A WHOLE NEW LIFE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I HATE YOU & EVERYTHING YOU'VE PUT US THROUGH? I DON'T CARE IF YOU CONTEMPLATE DEATH COS LIVING WITH YOU, I'M AS GOOD AS DEAD ANYWAY? THAT MY GRANDCHILDREN DON'T DESERVE TO EVEN KNOW THE HATRED THAT IS YOU?
our lives will be so much better once you are out of it. so, go ahead, dream of your suicide. hell, make plans if thats what you want to do. just please, leave us out of it. leave us out of your daydreams & your life.
go away, please.

The Big D Is On

to beta or not to beta. i've mentioned before that i'm dying to try it. well, the smartest woman in the world, ML, suggested i try it somewhere else & i did. i'll let you know one way or the other when i make my decision. i'm still practising right now. i know i like the drag & drop aspect of it. theres still lots of issues that they're not sure about like you can't load pictures from flickr or other 3rd party sites. nothing that bothers me. i have my pics saved on my pc.
i went into work today. my back isn't 100% & my neck still hurts but i've lived with the backache for a long time. thats part of getting old, i guess. i still had to put my desk together. everything there seems to be working out fine. i think this was a good move. its closer to the front of the parking lot so not so far to walk but farther from my smoking area. dear god, help me, here comes hubby honing in on me to get a kiss goodnight. have you ever noticed when someone gets drunk they can't hold their head still? he kinda reminds me of a slow witted bobblehead. not to mention the body sway he gets going on. and you know what? i've typed all this while he's still making his way to me. with his little bobblehead thingy going on. when he finally makes it to me he'll miss my lips & kiss my nose cos he can't focus that close. if i don't hold him up he'll probably fall into me when he bends over. if i was standing up i swear i'd move to the side & let him fall all the way down. for those of you that are curious, yes, the drunk is back. only worse, if thats possible. he's doing at least 2 bottles of vodka a day & i can't begin to tell you how much beer he drinks. all evidence of alcohol is gone by the time i get home. considering i'm at work & out of the house for 10 hours a day. last week my friend told me he walked to the store first thing every morning right after i left. he's working about 2 days a week, if i'm lucky, giving him plenty of time to find all new hiding places. we've always kept a change jar so i know where he's getting the money. lately, i've been leaving my change at work locked in my drawer. no sense in trying to save it at home if he won't leave it alone. i'll never have anything with this man. he thinks i'm just talking through my ass about divorcing him. i've made up my mind though, that nothing can be as bad as watching him kill himself. i'd rather live in a roach infested crack house with nothing than live like this. i know when i leave he won't pay the bills so i'll still wind up supporting him in the long run if i ever want electricty in my name or a phone. of course, i could go ahead & turn everything off but then i'm committed. (i just thought of that) the only thing i've decided so far is to open a new savings account. thats the first step in getting the money together. i really don't care anymore what he takes half of. the only things i care about are my dog, my bird, my albums & pictures. i worry everyday when i leave for work about coming home to a dead animal or a burned down home. i'm thinking maybe i'll go ahead & get my albums out of here, my sister or mom will hang onto them for me. nipper already has most of my pics. just so happened about a month ago she asked me if she could go through them cos she has no pics of her as a child & i do. strange how things like that work out, isn't it? well, i'm tired of thinking tonight.

My Week

jammer woke without finding me in the bedroom & called for me this weekend.
'memaw! where are you?'
'i'm coming.'
'you're not supposed to leave me.'
'you were sleeping & i woke up.'
'you couldn't watch me?'
'watch you sleep?'
'yeah, i'm cute.'
this kid cracks me up.
i'm almost finished with ixxies costume. i keep adding things to it. its so cute. if i can i'll put pics up when i get them all together & dressed. i'll have all 4 this weekend but i think we won't be trick or treating till tuesday. i just want to see them all dressed in their costumes. halloween is one holiday i can really get into. most of them involve way too much driving but halloween i just take them walking & that ain't so bad.
we moved our offices at work on tuesday. well, we didn't move it, we had it done but putting all the boxes in the right office & getting things arranged did a number on my back. i woke up on wednesday & couldn't stand up. by thursday i couldn't turn my head. i think i pulled something major. i've developed a hump at the top of my ass on each side. i guess you could call me the hump-ass not of notre dame. anyway, i can't turn my head either. someone said something about a scitatic nerve & i cringed. pulling my neck even worse. i talked to a chiropractor & he said he'd have to do x-rays before he could adjust anything. my doctor thinks an x-ray sounds like a good idea. i must have a $ on my forehead. everybody wants my money & hey, guess what? if i don't work i'm not getting any richer. granted i'm not getting any poorer but laying in a hospital bed waiting to heal isn't my idea of good times. neither is cutting on my back for that matter.
this week hasn't been very exciting. ms. m has had several seizures. we've had lots of company. belle from hell has been by. she was exciting in her rendition of how the cops arrested her son because she beat the shit out of her boss. for some unknown reason he refused to pay them for the job they did. she went off on him & when the cops showed up he told them the son hit him. i guess to save face from being beat up by a woman. this had to be a sight to see. she only stands about 4'10" tall & i bet she doesn't way 100 lbs. but thats why we call her 'belle from hell'. when she gets pissed you better run.
of course, sonny & honey has been in & out. my little sis, ranie has been here. she came to change the oil on my car for the boots i bought her. it didn't get done cos sonny showed up & she wanted to visit instead.
she brought a friend with her who was a very butch looking, big, big gal. she shook my hand when ranie introduced her & i felt like i was being whiplashed off the couch.
then theres dicks. he needs to hang out for awhile. he's in from out of state & wants to visit a few friends while he's here. he'll probably be leaving around the 1st of the month. he broke his back on the job last year & they told him he'd never walk again. he did & they now call him a miracle. i'm amazed cos he takes it all in stride like it was nothing. i just feel like my back is broken & i'm a big whining wuss.
well, like i said, nothing much going on. its raining again. pretty soon we're gonna be one big mud slide, up here on the top of the hill, sitting at the bottom.
that's pretty much all i have for this week. whats been going on with you? anything exciting? i truly lead a boring life. i wouldn't change for less than a million bucks.
catch ya later.

Beta or Blog

has anyone tried the new beta blogging yet? i am so curious but it says if you upgrade to using the beta you can't go back. i have an older blog but its a work bitch only. i don't post any of the entries, i keep it private cos i can't afford to lose my job but i want to keep a journal of the things that piss me off there &/or the things that happen. i'm considering trying the beta there just to see if i like it first. at least there, if i don't like it, i won't be commited to posting. i can just test it & draft like i always do. if i do like it then i know in advance i won't get hung up with this site. before i upgrade if someone has an opinion i'd appreciate any feedback.

Life And Love...And Sometimes Dreams

oohh, ow, & ouch! can your ouch hurt? i know my don't feel good hurts but what about my ouch? its raining & that makes everything hurt. i hate old. i'm old. i used to be getting old but i've finally climbed that hill & i'm well on my way down the other side. its days like this that i know from the inside of my body out that i'm old. my body feels like i've slammed it in a vise. my arms even ache today. could this really be from the cold rain? i love the rain. how am i gonna deal with loving the rain if it hurts me like this?
winter is well on its way. we haven't had any of the 's' word yet. i've seen pictures of other states that have already had it. my weather man tells me its hit close to me but not quite in my area yet. he's already threatening me with it. if the rain hurts me what the hell is the snow gonna do this year? ugh, i said the 's' word. i don't even want to think about it.
i've started the costumes for halloween. big guy wants to be spiderman. thats easy. i just went ahead & bought that costume. he was having bad nightmares so i bought the outfit & told him he was stronger than the monsters so if he wore this to bed he could kick some monster butt & not have to be afraid. he still hasn't had a nightmare to date.
i have a twin that wants to be a beautiful woman with a purse, a cell phone & makeup! lots of makeup. she wants to wear a princess dress. i'd love to turn her loose with the stuff she needs & let her do it herself. just to see what she would come up with.
the other twin wants to dress as a brat. boy could i dress her as a brat & give her some pointers on how to act. just watch ixxie for the best brat moves. she's got them down pat!
then ixxie wants to be aurora from 'sleeping beauty'. i have most of that done. i just bought the lace to add to the dress & make her arms out of this past weekend. i measured her for the lengths too.
i also borrowed my friends sewing machine. its a really good one or so she tells me. i haven't had the pleasure of using it yet. i'll let you know when i do.
ML, you asked a really tough question. its taken me a while to brain think that one through. i think what it comes down to is 1.) i'm old. (see above) i was about your age when i hooked up with him & at that time he was holding down 2 jobs. he seemed to be the most considerate, thoughtful, sweet man i'd ever met. keep in mind i had been single since i was 24. i dated lots of guys after my first husband passed away. i weighed everything about each one with a pro/con list. hubby seemed to fit the bill perfectly. that was after 15 years of shopping. i thought i'd seen every con. 15 years later i hate the thought of starting over. what if the next one does the same thing after 15 years?
boy, if i knew then what i know now. now, i know i wasn't as smart as i thought i was. now, i know a man really will say or do anything to get what he wants. integrity has nothing to do with it.
2.) he can take half of everything i own. my home, cars, bank account, 401k, retirement fund, everything. i made an appt. with a lawyer & she told me nothing was safe. i think this is the biggest thing.
3.) his parents have way more money than me & they'll help him to fight for that half.
4.) does stupid count?
cos if it does let me reiterate! stupid, stupid, stupid.
i look back on our dating days & i still don't see what i missed. there was no indication that things would turn out like this. i never saw the drinking taking over. and i swear i never saw a mean bone in his body.
my mom says that the meanness comes with the drinking.
5.) when it comes down to ending it. i'll have to be the one to leave my home. over the last 5 years i've begged him to leave. i've had his clothes packed for 2 whole years begging him to leave. he lived out of those boxes & refused to leave. the only way to make him leave would be to file the divorce, have him served & make arrangements for the police to escort him out when he's served. that was the lawyers advise.
i'm not as strong as i used to be. i've never had someone that i couldn't win against. until now. i think i'm beat. i know i'm tired of fighting for what i want to be perfect & i know i'll never have that perfect.
as it stands i at least know what to expect. when i'm really unhappy i just leave the room. when he's in the living room...i go to the bedroom. if he comes in the bedroom i go to the living room. in the hallway i skinny up to one side & in the bed i do the same. i know how to avoid him.
one of my favorite movies is 'war of the roses'. it reminds me of me. maybe someday i'll get fed up & just not be able to take it anymore.
i spend alot of my time in a dream world. in my dream world i have the perfect man & he loves me. he thinks of me & respects my opinions. he wants to be with me sober & he wants to make love to me. we love to cuddle & talk. we always touch & we always do little things for each other. sometimes when i get home from work i just sit in the car & close my eyes so i can picture this perfect love. i feel the sun on my face & imagine its him stroking my face.
i don't flinch.
later.

Getting Back In The Swing

happy thanksgiving, my dear uk friends. i hope you've all had a great day. thank you all for your support & inspiring words. you don't realize it but you've been there for me through alot. i've read the comments & i need to think about what you've put to me. i didn't want you to think i was just gonna ignore your questions. i've been so busy this week that i hadn't noticed how much i've missed blogging. i've attended a funeral. a strange funeral. the guy & his family knew he was dying. he was told he had cancer & given options for treatment, all of which he declined. at first, till it was too late. he layed in the hospital for 3 weeks before his family even thought to bring him any magazines. finally, someone else mentioned taking him out to the chapel, bringing in magazines or books & having a counselor stop in to visit. thats when the family said, 'duh, why didn't we think of that'.
while he was fighting the pain & preparing for his own funeral the doctor gave him marijauna to
help him through it all. i guess he would get happy & hungry because of it. momma decided
he acted too stupid so she decided not to give it to him. hell, woman! what was you thinking? i
can't imagine not letting someone laugh through their last few months if thats a possibility. just
cos she didn't like the way he acted while he was stoned. how self centered can one woman be? anyway, the funeral was a singing funeral. they played some of his favorite songs & let any-one sing a song that knew a song. it was, well, strange. i'm glad i went for the support of my friend but i was also glad when it was over.
we've been working on the car. just cleaning it up. washing, waxing & buffing it to a beautiful shine. we armoralled the inside & tires. put the top down & got it stuck! yeah, that was just my luck. oh no, just my luck was it rained while it was stuck down. we had to suck it dry with a heavy duty vacumm. but i love it. its a beautiful car. my dream car. i need to winterize it with an oil change & tuneup. put some new tires on it & vroom, vroom! i'll be the bitch blowing down the road in the hot red lebaron. maybe next spring i can afford a new rag top for the baby. i need ideas for her name. have you ever named your cars? i sound like i'm 16 again, don't i?
i've just about finished with the redecoration throughout my house. i still need to paint my bedroom & carpet to match. i'd like to put a day bed with a trundel under it for the girls in the front room. thats another expense i can't afford right now.
i'm hoping hubby will go to work sometime this week so i can afford the tires for the car. if not, i'm fucked on that one until my next payday. the good thing is i have an extra check next month. i'll be able to do several things then.
oh, how could i forget? i haven't told you all about replacing the front door. hubby & i working together on that one & its a story you have to hear. not now. its way to involved for tonight.
i'm gonna fix my lunch for tomorrow & hit the sack for now.
later.

Faults And Fixations

does blogger know when i am at my most vulnerable? i think they must have a camera attached to this site cos when i'm at most vulnerable is when they seem to lose my post. i pour my heart out, ask for advise & it never fails, i lose the post.
the good thing is i have come to the conclusion that i needed anyway. i needed to think my brain through & accept my own conclusions.
see, i've been feeling guily that i was not supportive enough of my husband & his attempts to quit drinking. i don't remember if it published but i had mentioned that he had asked the doctor for a medication to help him quit. i was feeling guilty about my support of his efforts but you know what? its not me. i've been to AA with him. i went through this seizure with him. i've let him know that whatever it takes to get through any of this i'd be beside him.
the thing is, although i'll support him through whatever he goes through, i still don't love him. not anymore. i loved him when i married him but the truth is....i've seen too much. no. i've been through too much...i've endured too much. i've lost my love, respect & most of all, my oneness with him. in the beginning, he completed me. he was my better half. after all the shit he has pulled, i just don't feel that 'love, honor & obey....yadda, yadda...stuff that i promised in the beginning. i've never pulled anything stupid on him. i've never made him go through a dui with me. i've never made him pay the bills. i've never made him be the responsible one. it was my home when he moved in. it was my bills. it was my job i had to get to. it was all my responsibilities. i had to get to work however i could, i had to pay the bills, i had to fix the faults in my home. i've never held him responsible but i've asked him to help me fix them. the most i've ever asked of him was when i went through a miscarriage. even then, he was with me in the hospital but to discuss anything afterward, he was never there for me. its like it never happened. lately, since he was the man of the home, i've left it to him in some cases. that was my downfall. i knew i couldn't count on him to take over but with my supervision i've expected him to help me. i expected too much. my home, my car, my bills, my yard, my shed, my dog, my bird, my everything was too much for him. i knew he had a bigger picture for himself. he wanted a woman that was self-sufficient. i was that woman but i was looking for someone to help me. he was not that man.
i feel guilty that he has to go through this. but it isn't my fault he became a drunk. it isn't my fault that he can't handle these responsibilities. he isn't my fault.
its taken me a minute to get this all in prospective. i think i have now.
he is not my fault.
later

No Recovery Here

thank you, my friends. its always nice to hear about whats going on with you all.
this week has been kicking my ass. hubby is having reactions or something to his medication. he hasn't felt well & has been to the dr. 3 times so far this week. one of his tests showed a low sodium count & the dr. seemed pretty nervous about that. he says it could be his thyroid, liver or lungs. several things actually but i guess those are the 3 thats worrying him. i don't understand what lungs have to do with low sodium but its one of things.
i had actually typed out a whole post but blogger (dumbass) lost it. since i don't remember what all i said i'm just posting this.
later

How Bout Some Feedback?

i typed the first letter into my blog to sign in. theres all kinds of variations of sign-in names. different email addresses of mine, different abbreviations for my name. i'm thinking what the fuck. so, i ask him. have you been trying to sign into my account. he answers yes, i just wanted to read it. like, how stupid do i look? do you see a big S on my forehead? i didn't just fall off that watermelon truck, no way, baby, i jumped! i'm still wondering what he was up to. did he want to change something i wrote? maybe delete a post? whatever it was it didn't work. so there, ppplllll. (thats me sticking out my tongue)
tonight is football night. sunday, sunday, sunday! so far, he's had 2 bottles of vodka. he walked to the store for the 2nd one. the store i asked not to sell him anymore vodka. the store that told me they wouldn't sell him anymore vodka. fucking idiots. i wonder if i can sue them the next time he has a seizure? that would serve them right. i wonder if the 'keg law' applies to grocery stores?
you know what? enough about me & my wah-wah.
how are you today? whats new with you? any good movies i should see? how about for a change you all tell me what you've been up to. i haven't had alot of time to read my favorite blogs. i'll do some tonight cos yaaaayyyy! i get the pc for awhile. until i get around to reading all my friends though, some of you could drop me a line & tell me what you've been up to.
mad becca, hows the twins? hahaha. 'ma' still makes me giggle.
mental laundry, thanks for the support. how is your backyard coming along? i have a huge garden if you'd like some seeds let me know. i'm not sure what would live in your area but we can figure that out.
etoile, have you got your computer back up & running? whats the problem? i love fucking with computers, i may be able to help if its in my realm of knowledge. i'd be glad to give you some ideas, like i always say, 2 heads are better than one.
that goes for sexually as well as figuratively.
hmmm, never actually had 2 heads at once. i don't know that i'd really like that. maybe i should put it on my list of things to do. maybe not. after all, i am married & hubby would have to be one of those heads. he probably wouldn't go for that kind of nonsense. besides he'd probably get to name head #2 & i know that wouldn't work for me. yuck! i can't think of one good looking friend he has. i might get stuck by a yuck. hahaha. i'm cracking me up. i think i'm getting slap happy.
some happy news...i sold my crown victoria, i gave my bmw to sonny & i got a new le baron. its fire engine red! with a rag top! auto everything! including seat adjustments! its awesome!
happy driving to me, happy driving to me, happy fucking driving to me, happy driving to me!
k, gotta go read some friends. i miss them.
later

Step Right Up

i'm standing at home plate. the bat hovering over my shoulder. i'm looking hard at the pitcher wondering what pitch he's gonna throw this time. will it be a slow ball? maybe a curve. i've got a full count. 3 balls & 2 strikes. that fucking pitcher is my husband & he's got evil in his eyes. he may even aim for my head at this point just to show me he can. you know what i did? i dropped the bat & walked off the field. i'm not standing against him anymore. i'm not playing his game anymore. i quit. who else wants to step up to the plate? who else wants to play against a drunk?
yep, he's drinking again. this week he's drank 2 days already (that i know for sure) & its only thurs.
you know what i want to do? i want to get rip roaring drunk. i don't know why. maybe just to drown my depression. maybe to show him how nasty a drunk i can be.
i'm not pretty today. i don't even look good today. hell, i'm ugly today. thats what he does to me. they say at the aa meetings i'm an enabler. what else am i supposed to do? i have to work, i can't babysit him everyday all day long. i have to pay my bills, i have to have a home, i have to eat. how do you not enable a drunk? lose everything & go sleep on the river bank in a cardboard box? well, sorry, i can't live like that.
you know something else? i'm not worrying about him anymore. if he wants to be a drunk he can knock himself out. next time he has a seizure he can lay in it & when he comes to make his own decisions. next time i'll let him chew his fucking tongue off. and we all know there will be a next time. from here on out its just gonna get worse.
who wants my bat & glove? they're up for grabs. first come...first served. haha, served, who wants a drink?
later.

Setting The Standards

i have a confession to make. ixxie is on a medication given to children for 'attention deficit hyperactive disorder' called aderall. personally i think this is all bullshit. i think its a copout for parents & teachers that won't make a child sit down & listen. yes, i agree there are children that have disorders but these days it seems like every child is being diagnosed with this shit. thats what i think is the bullshit. (just like 10 years ago all of a sudden every child had to have tubes put in their ears because they had some kind of an ear malfunction.) i think this is the doctors way of exploiting the insurance companies & people out of money. they convince parents that its not them or the teachers that are at fault, so its ok to put them on medication.
we as parents (or in my case, grandparents) aren't supposed to spank our children anymore. we are supposed to teach them politically correct ways of disciplining incorrect actions. i'm all for discipline but i still believe that if a kid needs an ass busting they should get an ass busting. thats how i raised my son & he turned out fine. if it works why fix it? and yes, again, i agree some children are abused but, not every child that gets spanked is being abused. just for the record when my son did something that deserved a spanking we sat down & discussed what he did wrong & why it warranted a spanking. for those of you that do not agree with this i'd like to tell you up front, in most cases, i allowed my son to choose his own form of punishment. it worked for me, it worked for my son & if works again, why fix it? i know i sound like i'm rambling but i want everyone to understand that i was not an unreasonable parent & most certainly am not an unreasonable grandparent. i'm pretty fucking normal even if i do say so myself. this is coming from a woman who, as a child, was spanked with a quarter inch wide leather belt on a bare ass. it felt like a whip being used on my ass. there were times i had raised welts that bled from the spankings i received. i know abuse personally.
i'm out of ixxies meds. before anyone gets all bent out of shape over this, she has an appointment to see her doctor for more meds but thats a month down the road. shes convinced she has to have this medicine to function normally. when she doesn't get her medicine she shows her ass like you would not believe. she throws tantrums, she yells, she screams, she won't sleep or eat, she talks back, she cries for no reason, she fights with the other kids & takes toys from them, she smacks them, pushes them down & like i said, just generally shows her ass. shes an attention hound is what all this boils down to & if its not about her she isn't a happy kid. shes like this because her mother will not discipline her. in any shape, form or fashion. honeys way of dealing with her children is to tell them to get out of her face, go to another room & leave her alone. (if you ever heard her yell this at them you would agree this is a form of abuse) i hate the way she handles her children but it explains why all her children are fucked up.
now my confession: i put a box of nerds in ixxies medicine bottle & thats what i've been dropping down her throat every weekend. do you want to know the results? shes more normal than i've ever seen her. the medicine she takes makes her moody. one minute she'll be fine & the next she'll be mad about something. she can be sitting alone & all of a sudden her mood changes. no motivation needed. i hate the medicines effect on her. so, i let her believe shes getting her medicine to make her happy without all the side effects.
i'm not lying to her. i've never verbally said i was giving her medicine. i just grab the bottle every morning & tell her to open wide. she takes them without question & shes more fine than ever. i did this originally just to test my theory. hubby thought i shouldn't do it but after seeing the difference it made, he beats me to the medicine bottle every day.
so bullshit or not? you decide. tell me what you would have done differently. but i love comments. please, tell me something even if i suck.
better go. tomorrow is another day to make another dime.
later.

Snapdragon

something has to give here. i've had 4 kids for the last 2 weekends & with working all week, out of the house for 10 hours a day then getting all 4 every weekend has just been too much. i'm wore out. hubby has had to take it easy due to stress. i'm ready to hit the hospital just to get a break.
nah, can't do that. someone has to run the house. the strangest thing is you wouldn't believe all the things i've gotten done even with the kids.
maybe being that busy just keeps me motivated. i don't know. i just know i need a break.
i received an email this week that showed a drunk, beat up turtle & the caption said 'my mind has snapped & my ass is draggin'. i thought that summed it up pretty well.
this past weekend we had the kids ready to go & has i started out the door i saw jammer in the street. he's not allowed in the street so for starters he was in trouble. then i saw 3 other little boys in the street & one was pretty much nose to nose with jammer. as i reached them the little boy took a swing at jammer & jammer slammed him back with a left then a right. i said 'whoa, whats going on here?'. jammer replied, 'i'm taking him out.' i thought i'd lose it but i held back the laughter & asked him 'where to'? he looked at me like he could hurt me. i've never seen such a look of meanness. i could tell i was in for it too. he said 'memaw, you need to go in the house.' i asked how old the boy was & he told me he was 6 years old. i informed him jammer was 3 & he surely didn't want to stick around to get whupped by a 3 year old did he? he left. without another word or punch. guess he decided he didn't want that embarrassment. after all if you live in this neighborhood you never live anything down. just ask sonny. he'll tell you how these kids can be.
well, i have nothing else to say tonight. i'm tired & it doesn't look like i'm gonna get a break this weekend. i have another weekend with all 4. they will be here by noon today.
oh, i forgot to mention this weekend was our major fundraiser. i was out of my home for a total of 18 hours. part of why i'm so wore out tonight.
there will be no rest for the wicked.
damn me. why do i have to be the wicked?
oxoxxo,
later.

Never Forget

They are gone...But Not Forgotten.
The Hero's We Lost

The Beat Goes On

oh yeah, its only just begun. he's definetly home & cheese & rice is he ever in a mood!!! since we walked out of the hospital everything has had to be his way. right now i'm kinda letting him get away with it because i don't want to stress test him just yet. he's always been really controlling but i can hold my own with him. after all, i've ran my own life for enough years alone that i don't need lessons. i drive the way i want, i take the route i want & i use my mouth the way i want. my sperm donor hasn't even tried to tell me what to do for 30+ years. what makes men think they're our boss? where is it written in gold that they know better than a woman? no place that i can think of (that counts with me). i thought i taught him that a long time ago. looks like my job has just started all over again. man, that was a tough job. i hate to go through it again. what was i thinking? now that i think about it, is that job ever really over? there's always been some man that needs a good lesson whether its a guy on the street being lewd or a guy i have to work with being bossy. mostly, i can pull it off without them even knowing what i'm up to but sometimes i've just had to put it out there on the table to make them realize that this just isn't working for me. vocabulary is a great weapon but i like to keep it simple. what they don't know won't hurt them.
guys you know i'm kidding here, right? i mean sweet, precious, loving, kind little ole lindy could never be that domineering & cunning? could she? what the fuck ever!
its not just with me either.
sonny dropped the kids off about 7 last night & he's been in a tizzie since. its like everything they say & do has to be corrected or controlled. they are just kids. they are gonna act out. try to convince him to just let them be kids & keep his nose out of it is like pulling teeth. every suggestion i make turns into an attitude.
if he was a kid i'd turn the bully loose on him to knock that attitude out of him. hell, i'd be the bully just so i could knock the shit out of him.
our 'time out' corner is getting the use of a lifetime.
jammer is pushing his luck. he's done everything he can to stand against him. is it just a man thing or does hubby drop to some level of child when jammer is around? i'm leaning towards a little of both. they've always butted heads & i do mean literally! jammer has slammed him pretty hard. one time to the point that he swore jammer broke his nose.
i think i'm rambling. i think i'm losing my mind.
if ixxie doesn't stay off the floor i'm gonna hurt her. she needs therapy. everytime i look at her she's on the floor getting someone to climb on top of her. i didn't need that much sex until i was like 19. she's 6. man, i'm glad i'm not her mother. she'll be pregnant by 12. i just looked into the play room & she's got amandas foot between her legs. please don't ask me to describe what she was asking her to do with it. can i braid her hair tighter? maybe that will put a kink in her 'sex' section of her brain. can you lobotimize the sex out of a brain? doctor, what are you doing with that ice pick? nothing my dear, just lay back & it'll all be over in a minute.
aaaahhhhhhhh.
anyway, the pills are working, i guess. he doesn't feel anything different. as mean as he's been there's still no head spins or spitting pea soup. he hasn't mentioned drinking, so far, since we left the hospital. the last time we talked about it was when he was getting ready to be released from the hospital. he said he'd be able to drink beer but would just have to stay away from the vodka. i told him that wouldn't work for me. (i had just mentioned my plans to divorce him the wednesday before all this started.) in my little tantrum i told him that if he was gonna start even drinking beer again i was gonna go ahead with my divorce plans. so far, he's stuck to it & not even looked at a beer. we stopped by a friends house today that was having a yard sale. the guy offered him a beer & he turned it down. i know what that took. it made me proud of him. maybe this will work afterall.
well, what am i gonna have to bitch about if not him? oh, don't worry, it'll still be him just not the drinking part of him. there's still lots left that i haven't posted, you'll see.
the aliens must be at it. papaw is screaming again. guess i better go make the peace.
i am the leader that everyone asks to be taken to, don't you know.
later.

Till The Fat Lady Sings

i've spent most of the last few days going from work to the hospital then straight to bed. although sleep has alluded me. that hasn't been on my brains agenda. it still feels good to just lay down & rest.
sorry, i haven't kept you all in on the latest. dt's & the duration of withdrawal depends on each person. its all about how long they've been on whatever they are addicted to. the hospital stay is like ML said in comments, just to get them through the first step. he has to make up his mind to continue the treatment until he has worked the alcohol completely out of his system. hubbys dt's lasted until wednesday. he doesn't remember any of it cos of the medication but i do. when they started weening him off the meds his blood pressure dropped way down & his heart rate hit the roof. the normal heart rate is somewhere between 60-100 beats & his was at 197. they kept him an extra day because of that.
they released him today. we sat at the hospital for an hour after they told him he was being released & we got his prescriptions filled on the way home. they have him on a seizure med, blood pressure & heart med. plus a vitamin.
they never did find what caused the seizure in the first place. they also couldn't explain why his heart rate & blood pressure went crazy but you can bet they charged the shit out of our insurance company & will continue doing so. now, individual doctors he saw in the hospital have a new patient that they want to see every week for the rest of his life. now mind you, not because they think they can figure out what caused all this but to keep giving him meds for it anyway. one doctor did say he may only need the seizure medicine for 3-6 months. that was the only good news.
not the only good news, of course, he can't drink. good for me but he's not too thrilled with that idea. now its up to him & his will power. he has to accept that he'll never be able to drink again. there's always the chance that he may have another seizure. if he feels anything different (light headedness, faint or shortness of breath)he's supposed to go straight to the hospital...do not pass go...do not collect $200.
its not over.
i'll tell you more tomorrow. its 3am & i'm tuckered out. i have absorbed so much shit today that right now i can't even process it. i've always said for everything new i learn something old pops out.
whats my name again? damn, thats one i've always known. thats not a good sign.
later.

Deliruim Tremors AKA DT's

i called to see how he was doing sunday morning. they said he wasn't doing very good & had been combatative & verbally abusive all night. he's been fighting the restraints & keeps pulling off the monitor connections. how the hell he's doing that i don't know. he can't reach anything with his hands. she said they've given him adavan to help with the hallucinations & to quiet him down. he apparently has quite a tolerance to the stuff because of his tolerance to alcohol. isn't that a kick in the ass? i asked them to tell him i'd be there soon. the nurse agreed that may be good for him.
the kids left about 2 on sunday. he was sleeping when i got there. i tried to wake him but he was having none of that. so for about an hour i wiped his face & talked to a sleeping, snoring husband. his color looks good but his eyes are bloodshot & doing some freaky, side to side jerky thing every now & then when he does open them. his bandages are all bloody from pulling on things & they've cathitarized him since he can't get out of bed. ouchie-ouwie! i know he has to be hating that. he also isn't shaking like he used to.
finally, when they brought his food, between the two of us we got him awake & in an upright position. the nurse said he wouldn't eat for them. both nights now i've gotten him to eat about half of his food before he quit on me. more than anything he seemes to be thirsty. he drank a ton of water & tea for me. i liked this nurse. she talked to him like he was a human being instead of a pain in her ass like the nurse from the night before. she said they'd had a few nice conversations about the kids & horticulture. she even knew how ixxie got her nickname. she completely removed the hand restraints for me & changed the leg restraints to a soft velcro thing so, at least, the color started coming back into his feet & i could hold his hand without hurting him.
he bounces from knowing me & whats going on to not knowing a damn thing thats real. he thinks that he's looking to buy this place now & wants to get up to check out the rest of the 'house'. i tried to make him understand he was in a hospital at first. believe me after the umpteenth time i told him i gave up on that & just went with the house thing. at least he'd talk about that instead of giving me that lost look. he kept asking for a bottle of vodka, can i take him to the store and a cigarette on sunday. tonight he's just wanting a cigarette really bad. he only mentioned the drinking once. that was when he said he needed a cigarette really bad, he couldn't give up the alcohol & smoking at the same time.
both nights i stayed until visiting hours were over & they all but kicked me out. both nights he didn't fight or pull anything until right before i got ready to leave when they came in to give him the adavan. i don't know if the medication slowly wore off while i was there or what. but for the most part i can see my husband in there now. i mean after all he's always talked a bit wacky.
so, i'm going to bed early tonight. i have to go back to work tomorrow. i have pto time that i can take so i'm gonna see if i can't take off an hour early each night until i get him home. i talked to the store that is right up the street & they've promised me they wouldn't sell him anymore alcohol. unless he wants to walk about 8 miles one way thats the only place close that sells booze.
i hate to tell people what he's been through but if it will help him stay sober they need to know. i wish i had a video camera so i could have this recorded & show him what he went through to help convince him to stay clean.
oh yeah, he did fart today & when i told him he stank, he told me he only wanted me to go through a little of what he was going through. if thats the worst of it, he can shit on me.
thanks for the well wishes & prayers. you don't know how much i appreciate them. the internet really rocks & dt's really sucks.
later.

Busy Mind

i followed them to the hospital. they didn't use the siren or lights , i could see him in the back sitting up. at the hospital we waited for a doctor about 2 hours. in that time they did an ekg, cat scan & they took some blood. they took our information. his parents showed up & he talked like he was ok. he knew us all but still couldn't remember what happened. he did tell his mom who the president was & laughed. they xray his collar bone, they think he broke it again. all his tests came back ok. his brain didn't suffer any damage. his heart is strong & they admitted him to find out what caused the seizure.
when i walked in the room on friday he seemed agitated. i heard him telling a nurse that he was leaving. he'd had enough. i waited for her to leave & went in. i sat on the bed, he told me he took a sponge bath & the iv they had on him caught on another sticky monitor thing on his chest ripping his iv out. he told me he had tuna for lunch & we talked about the dog, what happened & what he couldn't remember. another nurse came in to put another iv in him, gave him a shot of something & i talked with her. she explained what she was giving him & that he'd be in there for a few days. they wanted to observe him & to get enough seizure medicine in him to ensure that he didn't do that again. when she left we sat & talked. the longer i sat there the more agitated he got. he started telling me he wanted a cigarette. at one point he leaned over the bed & said come here, give me a hit, you've got a cigarette don't you? i told him the man in the next bed had oxygen he couldn't smoke in here. i told him i'd be right back & went to get him some water so he could brush his teeth thinking that may help him get his mind off of cigarettes. in the time i was gone he yanked the iv out again, unplugged his monitor machine & was headed down the hallway. i called to the desk that he was going somewhere, as i took off down the hallway after him. we retrieved him back to the room. by now, he was getting mad & talking out of his head. he told me that they had things hooked to his head & was trying to make him a robot. he told me that these little things out on the rooftop were little children & why did they have them out there? were they already robots. he even asked what kind of institution this was & where did they get all the money to set this place up in the middle of god knows where. he just kept getting worse. the nurse came back in to put his iv in again & he went off. he started screaming at her that he wasn't going to be changed & he wanted out of this crazy place. he wasn't going to be their guniea pig anymore. they tried to get him back in bed but he wasn't having any of it. they asked him if they could give him some more medication & immediately after he started fighting with them. they moved him to icu by telling him they were going to process him out. they had called for security but i calmed him down enough that the cops never showed their faces although they were standing right outside his door. we walked him to icu & they started hooking him up again. at first he was ok but kept talking more & more crazy. his imagination was going 90 miles a minute, he was halucinating. i stepped out of the room to let them do their thing. all at once he went berserk. he started screaming at them to leave him alone & get out off this ship. he was leaving & they weren't going with him. a nurse pushed a button & people came from everywhere. i stood at the door & watched as they poured in, trying to get him into bed. when he tried to bite a nurse i walked away. by that time there was at least a dozen people in the room. one nurse was yelling for straps & i knew the worst was yet to come. i called his mother to let them know that things weren't good. she could hear him screaming in the background. she's such a soft, loving woman, i didn't want her to see him like this. i asked her not to come visit him till he gets through the worst of this. i told her everything that was going on & promised i'd keep her informed.
this is all alcohol related due to the lack of. i'm pretty sure thats what even brought on the seizure in the first place. they said today that his liver is slightly enlarged & thats never a good sign. he's in 2 inch leather straps all the way around. he's fighting the straps to the point of turning his hands & feet purple. he doesn't remember anything from one time to the next when he wakes up. it startes all over again. he doesn't know me, they have him so heavily sedated & medicated to try to help him through this. they still don't know medically what caused the seizure or so they say. he's on a heart, blood pressure & respiratory monitor. things are beeping & blinking all over the room. i'm just sick in my heart to watch him go through this. i know he's gonna blame me for all this when he is alert.
before i left today i asked the nurse how much longer they thought he'd be restrained. she said she was considering taking them off sometime this evening. that he didn't seem to hate them all anymore. he's been telling them crazy stories about the kids & our home life when he would talk & as long as he didn't get violent it looked good. i guess i'll see when i get there tomorrow. i've made a pot of chile, changed my bed, mopped the kitchen (the blood was still there) & done some laundry. i'm getting ready to start cleaning my bedroom. sonny is bringing the kids tonight so i can be with them a little while. i think that'll keep my mind busy & off hubby & his plight. i hope this makes a difference in our lives for the better & he'll be done with the booze. i'm praying for a quick response. will you, please?
later.

Dazed For Days

he'd been having trouble sleeping for the last few days. he told me wednesday night that he thought he'd buy a bottle to help him sleep. i asked him to try taking a sleep aid first. maybe he needed to get away from the bottle. besides who wanted to depend on a bottle to get some sleep. he agreed we'd buy some on thursday when we went grocery shopping.
i got home about 10 minutes later than usual on thursday. due to the road work going on.
he was sitting on the couch. he had a beer but he seemed sober. he had called me at work earlier to let me know his dad had taken the car in for some work & didn't know what time he would start for the day. he had emailed me later to let me know that he didn't go in at all. i asked him to email me the info for the new dvd recorder we bought.
hi, hon, i didn't even hear you pull up. ms. m didn't hear you either but she's been sitting on the loveseat since 20 til, waiting for you, just staring at the door.
hi. poor baby. she does love us doesn't she? how was your day?
fine.
what did you do today to stay busy?
some laundry & dishes. i'm gonna mow the yard in awhile. i was just letting it cool off alittle. are you
hungry?
no, not right now. i saw you layed out the steak. that'll be good.
we're out of veggies but we have some mac & cheese.
nah, i think i'll fix some eggs with mine.
i'm just gonna put mine on bread with some onions.
that sounds good.
if i cook the steak will you do your eggs.
yeah, no problem. did your dad get his car back yet?
i don't know. i think i'll call.
he made the call. just as he was asking, his brother said, hold on someone is pulling in right
now. it was the mechanic with the car. they talked for a few. i heard him say he'd see them tomorrow. he wanted to get started on that tree in the side yard again. he said his goodbyes.
are we shopping tonight? we just need a few things.
yeah, i guess we have to. have you made a list?
no, i don't think we need one. anything special you want to get?
just the sleeping pills you need.
oh yeah, i forgot.
you still want to try them don't you?
yeah, can't hurt. i'm getting hungry. think i'll go ahead & fix the steak.
i picked up the manual to the dvd recorder & started reading. it was about 7 pm. i heard him pounding the steak. i heard him in the fridge.
do we have onions?
look in the door.
i did. i don't see any. i even looked in the butter dish.
look in the door right next to the butter dish.
nope, none there.
look in the pink thing.
he looked at me like he didn't know what i was talking about.
honey, the pink thing beside the air conditioner. where we keep potatoes, onions, things like that. in the top shelf on the right side.
bingo! we've got onion. good.
i went back to the manual. i heard him more than watched him as he cut the onion & opened the oven to put the steak in.
that fast... he fell to the floor. he was jerking, laying almost face down but kinda on his right side. i ran to him & rolled him onto his side, so i could look at him. his arms were pulled up tight against his chest & his hands were drawn in tight almost like a fist. i asked him what was happening. he couldn't hear me. he was twitching, eyes closed but fluttering. every now & then, i could see enough to know they had rolled back into his head. i ran for the phone & grabbed ms. m so she didn't go near him. as i dialed 911 i took her into the bathroom & closed the door. the lady answered & i ran back to hubby.
my husband just collapsed on the floor. he looks like he's having a seizure.
has he ever had a seizure before?
no, this is the first time i've ever seen him do anything like this.
tell me what he looks like. is he conscious?
no, he isn't responding. he's twitching & has his arms drawn up tight across his chest. his eyes are closed.
is he breathing?
yes, but not right. he's kind of gasping.
whats your name?
lindy.
where do you live?
900 wood off of mt. lindy.
is he still unconsious?
yes.
is he still twitching?
yes.
ok. i'm gonna stay on the line with you. the ambulance is on the way. it should only be a few minutes. are you okay?
i'm scared.
does he have any alergies?
no.
is he on any medication?
no.
does he drink?
yes.
has he had anything to drink today?
yes, but only a few, i think. should i leave him on his side or roll him over? right now i'm holding him on his side but he's trying to fling back. oh god, he's foaming from the mouth now & it looks like he's bleeding alittle too.
right now , i'd rather you left him on his side. is he still breathing?
yes, a little better now.
you said he's bleeding from his mouth. is it much blood?
no.
all of a sudden he started taking deep breathes. gasping for air like he needed alot of oxygen. he stopped twitching & slowly opened his eyes.
wait, he's coming out of it i think. he stopped twitching & he's trying to sit up.
is he conscious now?
he's coming to.
honey, can you hear me? do you know what happened?
is he answering you?
no, he's looking at me like he doesn't know who i am. it's ok sweetie, i hear the ambulance now. you're gonna be ok.
i ran over, opened the front door & shut the birds door. i could hear the people coming up the walk & i quickily ran back to him so he didn't try to get up. i sat on the floor with him & talked to him.
is the ambulance there?
yes.
ok, i'm gonna let you go now.
thank you.
a man in blue uniform came in the front door. he had a medical bag & started asking me what happened. basically the same questions the lady on the phone asked.
i answered him as he started taking blood pressure, looking at his eyes & checking him out. by that time 2 women had come into the house. hubby was talking himself a little & trying to answer them too. he told them he didn't remember anything about why he was on the floor. he couldn't remember what he'd done today. his words were slurred & his eyes were huge. he told them his name, birthdate & who i was. he couldn't tell them the year or the president. they asked if he could stand, they wanted him to sit in a chair while they continued to check him over. he walked with help to a chair. they finished checking him & told him they were taking him to the hospital so they could take care of him. as they headed for the door he tried to pull away. he said he needed his cigarettes & lighter. then he headed for the kitchen & picked up his beer that had been sitting on the counter. i took it away & told him he needed to go with these people so we could find out what caused this. he asked me what happened & i explained that i thought he had a seizure but i wanted him to go to the hopital. finally he went out the door with them & climbed into the ambulance.
i've been up for 2 days, spending as much time as i can at the hospital. i'll be back in a minute to tell you what i know at this point.
later.